Okay, okay I know it's been a really long time since my last post, but I have a bad habit of forgetfulness. I will try my best to be more consistent. Anyway, last night I just came back from a conference called L.T, which stands for: Life Training, hence the title of this post. The conference was in North Carolina, and it was really great! It was a whole week of invigorating worship, intense studying of the Bible and loads of fun. I would recommend it to every Christian. I learned a lot. In fact this post is going to be all about what I learned in L.T.
On the first day of the conference, my twin sister told me that she always spends the first few moments of her day praying to God, telling him her concerns and stuff, but ultimately she would give her day over to God. I thought to myself, "wow, why don't I do that? I never do anything like that." I have been struggling for the longest time giving my plans over to God. I know his ways are higher than my ways and so are his thoughts higher than my thoughts, but I still felt scared to give them to God. I didn't want to let go, but I knew deep down inside this was just holding me down from ever being my absolute best for God. So, I decided to pray too, I decided to give the entire day to God, which was I something I've never done. But on that day I gave it to God. Then I remembered the verse Jeremiah 29:11 (a really good verse, actually a promise from God.) I went up to my room because I wanted to look up the verse, but when I opened the Bible the first verse I saw was Proverbs 3: 5-6, when I read that verse, I realized that I have been leaning on my understanding for far too long, I haven't trusting the Lord with my whole heart, not even half of my heart. I've read that verse several times before, but this was the very first time that it actually impacted, that I actually felt that God was telling me to submit to him, if I do, he would make my paths straight. I gave the ENTIRE day to God, which is something I should do everyday. And the rest of day went really well.
The next day came around and I gave the day to God again, but this I told him to take me out of comfort zone, which I is something I am terrified of doing, but that's what I knew would help get closer to God. Sure enough God took me out of my comfort zone. On that day everyone went out sharing the gospel in the beach. I'm not good at giving the gospel. I was partnered up with Debbie, a very good friend of mine. The person we talked to, didn't believe in the Bible at all, she felt that there was no God that had plan for her, she felt that every decision in her life was for her own pleasures and stuff. Debbie tried to understand her and also tried to explain the gift of Salvation how Jesus died on the cross to pay for ALL our sins, even the one we have yet to commit. She tried to explain that God had plan for her full of hope and love. But this woman was really stubborn. Finally, Debbie was going to say good-bye, but then she asked, "Do you have anything you want to say?" and throughout the entire time that Debbie was talking I kept on feeling a kind of tug that this woman needed to hear my testimony. Because the woman had said why would God love her and have plans for me, which was something I have felt many times before. So I instantly took that moment I shared my testimony. Tears came down and everything. When I had finished, the woman still didn't get it, but that didn't matter, I could tell that I had reached a part of her with my testimony. She said to me, "your story is really inspirational, and I'm really glad that God has helped you so much, but I just don't believe that." To which I said, "That's okay. I planted a seed in you and it will grow." She looked at me weirdly, but I could tell I reached a part of her. After we had left the woman, I felt so happy because I had planted seed an actual seed! On that same night, during worship, I gave up something over to God, something I never thought I could. My feelings of guilt and my of feeling uselessness and feeling unworthy of God's love. ALL LIES FROM SATAN!
I felt useless because a long time ago my twin sister was going through a really hard time, deep emotional pain and I no way to relate to what she was feeling, I had no idea how to comfort her. I just couldn't help her, she went to me for help and for support that I could never give. She would cry almost every night and I could never stop the tears. It was hell. I remember thinking to myself, "What am I doing? If I can't help her, why am I even here?" I felt so terribly useless, and if I couldn't be useful, how am I worth any value? So when I felt useless, I also felt worthless. Because of that I went full out on my exercise, on restricting what I ate. That's when my anorexia really took a hold of me and began to drag me down. For like over a year a so I kept on feeling useless, useless, useless! Worthless, worthless, and worthless! I knew those were lies, but that's how felt and before I could stop it I believed those lies those lies to be true. Well, finally after months of recovery from anorexia, something hit me, I was a fool to believe those lies, I was nothing but a stubborn fool. That's I began to feel horribly guilty. All day long just guilt and guilt. Whenever I felt guilty I knew that I was wrong, but I couldn't shake those feelings. Also I was still struggling with feeling useless and worthless whenever I felt like, I felt guilty for believing those lies. It was horrible, continuous cycle. BUT at long last on that night of worship at L.T I cried my head off to God. Sick and tired of those lies dragging me down. I gave them to God. Nevertheless, Satan will come back and try to push me down again and again, but I will push back each time. Therefore, I must keep telling myself, "I am not useless, I am worthy, I am worthy of God's love for me."
P.S: Tom Short, one the of speakers at L.T, is totally amazing. Truly a man after God's heart.
