Was digging my own grave: January 2012

Okay let's get things rolling! First I want to say I'm sorry for the fact that it took such a looong time to proceed on to the next part of my last post. The one in December, where I was secretly exercising, and then I got discovered after the BBQ party. I'm just recapping a bit so that way you't won't be totally lost. Then, as you know, the next 72 hours/3 days were a living hell. Horrible stuff. Anyway, I ended the post explaining, that finally my doctor told me, I could exercise :)

But if I could just side-trike for a moment. I remember, that whenever I was in church or hanging out with friends there was always at least two people that would ask me, "How do you feel?" "Are you okay?" or tell me "I've been praying for you." And all that jazz. I hated it! Hate it! The question, "how do you feel?" the person wasn't just asking if at the moment I was fine, no the person was asking for my overall status, I guess. How were things at the house? Are you eating enough? At first the questions and the comments were okay. People praying for me that made me feel good, but day after day they kept asking me the same question. How did they think I felt?? I felt annoyed and frustrated because all I wanted was to lose weight and become as thin as possible. I didn't wanted to go back to the hospital ever again. It's very confusing: I didn't want to go back to where I started, yet at the same, I wanted to continue in the steps that led me down that very path. I was contradicting myself BIG time!
Let's just say during that time of my life my logic wasn't very logical.

Refocusing back to the main point of my post. I could finally workout! I bought a bicycle with my own money. I would ride that bicycle every week-day morning with my mom around the neighborhood. Whenever I was on that bike I felt free. Not just because the wind was in my face, but because I was doing something that I loved! I crave for exercise everyday! Everyone should work out. And yes a person can easily get a workout without going inside a gym. (For all those people who hate the gym). Me on the other hand I LOVE LOVE the gym!! However, back to what I was talking about. Two or three months go by, still riding the bicycle, still loving it, I had a doctors appointment I needed to go to. I went, I got weighed and then my doctor didn't look too please. She wanted to make sure I didn't lose any weight, so just to be safe side she weighed me 3 times or so. I got nervous real fast. I lost weight. On other days I would be glad, not that day. My doctor asked me how much I was exercising. I told her how much. This time I told the whole truth. She was about to give a long speech, I just knew it. But then she asked if I had gotten my period. "Yes." Then she said, "Great! Then there's nothing to really worry about. Just don't overdue it Raquel." It was too late. I got soooo nervous, thinking that I was in deep trouble, I was crying. Crying a lot. In the end, I left the hospital glad that me having the period saved me, but sad and frustrated that I lost weight when I wasn't supposed to. But then a light went on in my head: how much weight did I lose exactly??

I asked my mom about it. She didn't want to tell me. But I was persistent. I lost half a pond. Half! The doctor made such a big deal about it, I thought I lost 3lbs! What's the deal!? I got mad. However, at the very same I got scared and I became very worried. I thought to myself, "If they made such a fuss over not even one pound I don't want to think about what would've happened if I lost 3 pounds." That experience made me very scared of losing weight. Because I thought the doctors would lecture me, my mom and dad would give me a very long speech right after. Every time weighed myself all I wanted was to maintain my weight. If gained weight I would feel awful just awful! If I lost weight I would freak out, and get scared. Terrified that the doctors would take away my exercising. Maintaining my weight was like my safe zone. It guaranteed me that nothing bad would happen.

Let's stop here and call it a day. I think I covered a good amount. I <3 GOD!!

Okay, so during those few moments in my life where I don't know what to do on the computer and I'm bored because I already finished my workout or I finished school really fast, stuff like that. I like to type poems into my computer and I save them in Microsoft. Well, I thought to myself "why not I post some of my poems" You should know that my twin sister writs poems too. I will be sure to include a few of her poems.
Here's a challenge try and figure which ones are my sister's and which ones are mine. Maybe I should give hints along the way....I don't know. Most of our poems are sad and with sorrow (only because it is easier to describe and create an image) But my sister likes to make every sentence have a rhyme. I barely try to do that. Sometimes to do that, but I prefer to use words for description.
Let us get things moving!

Good Night

Night creeps with no warning I seem to be caught in the same cycle

Again and again I sleep into the same routine

No way out and only one way in

How did I get here and now I can’t go back there

Home sweet home is now a distant dream

As I now live in this nightmare.

I dare someone to save me with himself not getting caught

Caught in this hell-hole

This whole thing is no lie as I die with no one here

My last cry will blast the walls of my skull

But not one will hear this heart beat

This beat of death will not beat life

My wife says stay with me

But she seems to fade away

My way of life is now getting dark

No hope is here and I sleep into this again

Can I gain life?

Can I fake my way back

My mind draws a blank and I can’t think

I sleep and I won’t wake.

Good night

Good-bye light.

Arms of Winter.

December made you happy with the thought of gifts

Gifts that would be tucked under the tree.

The lights would shine in a set pattern.

Out of the window the wind calls out to you.

An invitation to a snow wonder land.

As you step outside Winter’s arms embraces you.

Chills travel through your body as Winter’s arms tighten.

It’s sharp and crisp.

The forest is covered in a blanket of snow resting upon a bed of snow.

It is soft to touch.

Nothing can ever be as good as this.

Sad to say Winter starts to become harsh.

Soft snow is forgotten.

Replace with ice.

The blanket of snow is now a sheet of thickness.

Your hands are num and black.

Can’t move your own two feet without feeling regret.

Winter shows you its beauty only for a moment.

It quickly changes into a cursed season.

Longing for spring.

Where lilies bloom with clover fields.

Where Spring surrounds you with a soft breeze

Not now as Winter cuts to your core and breaks it.

December was nice at first.

Not now.

The mood has changed.

And so has you.

Winter leaves you hard and cold.

Awaken

I scream out from this pit I have fallen into.

I yell from the Abyss.

Will no one come to my aid?

I cry out loud but my echo just seems to be

The only response I hear.

My only motivator is fear.

What have I done with all my dreams?

The sun comes over the crakes of this prison

Its light beams through my only source

Of hope that keeps me alive.

Just knowing that the skies are still blue.

That birds still fly south. I hear the rustle

Of their feathers.

I scream out loud again.

But my throat has gone dry it brings pain.

Must keep fighting but I can’t wake up.

The blow on my head is what made me

Lie down in the bed filled with nurses.

I hear voices. They have given up on me.

Even my love has turned away.

But I dare not give in!

I with the little strength I have awake!

My motivator is no longer fear!

I strive to awake with purpose!

And so I am free. I can see the

Skies… and there’re blue.

Rainbow

The rainbow bends with color

And each color is different

But they merge to make the same thing

How shameful it is to just look

And not be grateful for such beauty

Be thankful for this promise

That floats in the sky

It lies down in an arch

But it’s funny to know

That only after a storm

This beauty is formed

During the storm we only see dark clouds

But take heart and look far ahead

Look beyond your fear

And when you near the end

A rainbow will appear.

Doom

It looms above

It’s not pretty

Like a flower bloom

The noise is loud

Like a boom

Doom it says

And you have to pay

Every owe you have

You thought you gave it all

But it’s taking you back

Doom it says

Life ends in a great shock

A tombstone is your stumbling block

You die alone

Doom it said

You’re now dead

Trapped underground

The sound of your family’s cry

Doom it will say

One by one your family

Pays your debt

One by one they will hear too

Doom it will say

Pointless

All of them were lined up and ready.

All of them waiting for their leader to rise.

Waiting, hoping that maybe fate will leave them be.

This war was to be their last.

As the leader tried to give words of triumph

They knew it was all hopeless.

What’s the point? Fighting over something

That was never yours.

Fighting to win a losing battle.

Their beacon of hope, gone.

It broke into more pieces than sand.

No matter? What’s the point?

To die for a cause that has no meaning?

As they ran across the field praying

That God almighty might spare their lives.

Though they strived they came short.

They are soldiers with tormented souls.

Living a life with nothing, but foul.

With the first striking noise of their blades

That’s when they knew.

And on that night none came back.

The leader’s head dangles on the edge of a spear.

Their fears of fate were met.

No excuse. No hope. What’s the point?

Day or Night

So bright in the sky

The light hurts your eyes

But without it you can’t see

And when it sets

It let’s you see without a strain

Without pain you can see stars

But it gets darker and darker

And soon you long for the brightness

You trip in the dark

You hear barks but where are they

You fear for what you can’t see

But then a beam of light

And it seems too bright

You turn your eyes and now you can see

You are still in the same place

Day or night you still walk the same pace

Day or night you still face problems

Day is bright

Night is dark

But both are so beautiful

Powerless

Its night time and it’s late.

You should really get some rest.

But you can’t the pain is too strong.

Everyday you try your best.

You strive to belong.

And I can’t sleep knowing that you’re sad.

You turn away your head behind shadows.

Try to ignore your feelings.

Like there not even real. But you’re

Not made out of steel.

Last night I saw tear stains on your cheeks

As they slowly roll down but they

Never hit the ground.

And I feel so powerless to

Hear you cry because there’s nothing

I can do to help you get by.

I try to give words of comfort

But they always come out dry.

Your pain is deep and it hurts me

To see tear stains on your cheeks as they slowly

Roll down but they never hit the ground.

You always wipe them clean.

I feel so powerless to see you cry.

Almost everyday.

My thoughts get all twisted.

And there’s nothing I can say.

I feel so powerless…just powerless.

This is the World

Welcome to existence

Welcome to the world

Behold the great mysteries of the untold.

You’re so naive to believe almost

Anything that comes to mind

Because you’re so blind.

This is reality not fantasy! What don’t you see?

This is the world it’s harsh I know, but still its home!

A faint whisper calls from behind, your past

It’s coming back trying to get you to

Believe again in all the stories about

Legends and kings from long ago.

All lies!

You want something solid and real

Not plastic and fake.

There is no room for games.

This is the world it’s harsh I know, but still its home!

Your imagination plays no part in this life!

There is no time to daydream.

This is the world! Where you fight and claw

Your way to everything! Where people

Work in set patterns day by day.

And the tall tales of your childhood should

Be replace with logic and facts.

Like sheets of documents.

This is the world!

But still it is home….

Can you really love me…?

Can I make a stand?

With no helping hand

Am I really on my own

Am I really forgotten and alone

All night I moan

Over all I have lost

I thought is was worth the cost

But it was proven to me

That all I have done and seen

Are just a passing dream

I thought my plan was perfect

But it was a scheme against me

I neglect the pain inside

I run and I try to hide

Your arms spread across wide

You try to show me

That you’re by my side

But every time you are denied

And I do see your love and your grace

But my past says I’m a disgrace

Can I really be loved with this fear?

And yet you say you are here!

With all that I have done

With all that I have said

Can you really love me…?

Dream again

All shattered. Feeling a little worthless.

Hope once in abundance has all scattered.

Emotions flooding through their skulls.

Can’t see the difference between happiness and joy.

Is this the end for us? Should we dig our graves alone?

Born in a world that’s torn.

Certain people find real joy.

They keep it shut deep inside their soul.

It’s the best kept secret.

Life is fleeting and we’re stuck moping.

Reality strikes hard and slower each time.

Take courage to dream again!

We know deep down we need to believe.

Drag your weary, sorry bones.

Casting all fear take courage to dream again!

Gazing over the comments of outsiders.

Tears growing in our sockets.

Do you really want to kick the bucket?

Take courage to dream again!

Our time here is short.

People out there are lost.

You were one of them before.

Their dreams are wasting faster then us.

Take courage to dream again!

That’s what they need to hear….

April Fool’s

The stars are in the morning sky

Birds walk and fish fly

And the happy ducks shy away

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way

Look the sun is green

My room is actually clean

My favorite dish taste like soybean

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way

Maybe I said something wrong

Maybe I’ve been out in the sun too long

An ant is all of sudden strong

This as gone too far

My soda bottle is now a jar

People smoke straws like cigars

My dad is driving a cat like a car

I CAN’T GO ON

Why is this upon me?

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way.

I run home hoping maybe it’s still the same

I rush inside praying this is the end of the game

My family screams “Happy April Fool’s Day!”

Oh how I’m filled with shame

Now I know what’s up with today

Now I know why nothing is going the right way

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Right Now.

Right now, I don’t wanna close my eyes.

Because then you might leave me.

Right now, I just want to feel your heart

Beat against my chest.

Forget that I was ever upset.

Take a moment and stay with me.

You make the howling fears fade away.

Right now, I want you to hold me tighter.

Then maybe my fright will leave.

Right now, I don’t wanna let you go.

Keep me company.

My mind stands still when you’re near.

Right now, the time ticks 12 o’clock.

I don’t wanna leave.

Right now, I dare not shut my eyes.

Because when I do I might just be alone.

Reality seeks desperately for me.

But right now, you’re the only

Thing that’s real to me.

Hope is made

Time will also fade

Life will not stay the same

Love is just a game

But hope will be made

Dreams are crushed away

Laughter is forever gone

Understanding will be entirely done

But hope will be found my way

Though life seems black and dim

Give me a chance

My body is weak and limp

Give me more than just a glance

Hope will be made

Hope is still here

Hope is everywhere

So I take heart

And I will not part

Dreams will come back

Laughter will no longer be lacked

Love is in your future

Never give in

My Old Friend

Hello, Darkness my old friend.

Remember how I hid with you when

My pains seemed like they would never end?

When my growing fears never cease?

I cringe tight with you because I was alone

You brought me release.

With you, I felt nothing, a sense of peace.

Life couldn’t touch us. Its problems couldn’t find us.

Together, we gave each other comfort.

With you, I didn’t have to put any effort.

Because you were my secret fort.

Like a tower of refuge high above.

Darkness, my old friend, you kept love from hurting me.

Discarded my emotions to the holes of my heart

But we broke apart.

I came out, can’t you tell? You were no friend.

You were a cell.

Try to Understand

Hiding behind a smile

I am staring into fate with doubt

Cringing in a corner

Fearing that twill come time shadows

Overlooking thine strong hand thither shall lead

Dust tarry betwixt hither and yonder

Wherefore pains still haunt my slumber

Nary will I rest! Nary!

Whence comest thou? I beseech!

Yore, the world of peace overmany moons

Anon foul destiny drags me below

Shalt I die if I flee from it?

Old goot thou art! Slay me!

I lost my will to care anymore.

Henceforth ye scorns my dreams

Wherefore?

(okay so this last poem may be hard to understand, but you can try. I mean it's old English or anything. It's middle English, so you shouldn't have such a hard time)

I <3 GOD!! ^_^

Was digging my own grave

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Saturday, January 21, 2012

another part of when I left

Saturday, January 14, 2012

some random poems

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