Okay let's get things rolling! First I want to say I'm sorry for the fact that it took such a looong time to proceed on to the next part of my last post. The one in December, where I was secretly exercising, and then I got discovered after the BBQ party. I'm just recapping a bit so that way you't won't be totally lost. Then, as you know, the next 72 hours/3 days were a living hell. Horrible stuff. Anyway, I ended the post explaining, that finally my doctor told me, I could exercise :)
But if I could just side-trike for a moment. I remember, that whenever I was in church or hanging out with friends there was always at least two people that would ask me, "How do you feel?" "Are you okay?" or tell me "I've been praying for you." And all that jazz. I hated it! Hate it! The question, "how do you feel?" the person wasn't just asking if at the moment I was fine, no the person was asking for my overall status, I guess. How were things at the house? Are you eating enough? At first the questions and the comments were okay. People praying for me that made me feel good, but day after day they kept asking me the same question. How did they think I felt?? I felt annoyed and frustrated because all I wanted was to lose weight and become as thin as possible. I didn't wanted to go back to the hospital ever again. It's very confusing: I didn't want to go back to where I started, yet at the same, I wanted to continue in the steps that led me down that very path. I was contradicting myself BIG time!
Let's just say during that time of my life my logic wasn't very logical.
Refocusing back to the main point of my post. I could finally workout! I bought a bicycle with my own money. I would ride that bicycle every week-day morning with my mom around the neighborhood. Whenever I was on that bike I felt free. Not just because the wind was in my face, but because I was doing something that I loved! I crave for exercise everyday! Everyone should work out. And yes a person can easily get a workout without going inside a gym. (For all those people who hate the gym). Me on the other hand I LOVE LOVE the gym!! However, back to what I was talking about. Two or three months go by, still riding the bicycle, still loving it, I had a doctors appointment I needed to go to. I went, I got weighed and then my doctor didn't look too please. She wanted to make sure I didn't lose any weight, so just to be safe side she weighed me 3 times or so. I got nervous real fast. I lost weight. On other days I would be glad, not that day. My doctor asked me how much I was exercising. I told her how much. This time I told the whole truth. She was about to give a long speech, I just knew it. But then she asked if I had gotten my period. "Yes." Then she said, "Great! Then there's nothing to really worry about. Just don't overdue it Raquel." It was too late. I got soooo nervous, thinking that I was in deep trouble, I was crying. Crying a lot. In the end, I left the hospital glad that me having the period saved me, but sad and frustrated that I lost weight when I wasn't supposed to. But then a light went on in my head: how much weight did I lose exactly??
I asked my mom about it. She didn't want to tell me. But I was persistent. I lost half a pond. Half! The doctor made such a big deal about it, I thought I lost 3lbs! What's the deal!? I got mad. However, at the very same I got scared and I became very worried. I thought to myself, "If they made such a fuss over not even one pound I don't want to think about what would've happened if I lost 3 pounds." That experience made me very scared of losing weight. Because I thought the doctors would lecture me, my mom and dad would give me a very long speech right after. Every time weighed myself all I wanted was to maintain my weight. If gained weight I would feel awful just awful! If I lost weight I would freak out, and get scared. Terrified that the doctors would take away my exercising. Maintaining my weight was like my safe zone. It guaranteed me that nothing bad would happen.
Let's stop here and call it a day. I think I covered a good amount. I <3 GOD!!
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