L.T: Life Training.

Okay, okay I know it's been a really long time since my last post, but I have a bad habit of forgetfulness. I will try my best to be more consistent. Anyway, last night I just came back from a conference called L.T, which stands for: Life Training, hence the title of this post. The conference was in North Carolina, and it was really great! It was a whole week of invigorating worship, intense studying of the Bible and loads of fun. I would recommend it to every Christian. I learned a lot. In fact this post is going to be all about what I learned in L.T.

   On the first day of the conference, my twin sister told me that she always spends the first few moments of her day praying to God, telling him her concerns and stuff, but ultimately she would give her day over to God. I thought to myself, "wow, why don't I do that? I never do anything like that." I have been struggling for the longest time giving my plans over to God. I know his ways are higher than my ways and so are his thoughts higher than my thoughts, but I still felt scared to give them to God. I didn't want to let go, but I knew deep down inside this was just holding me down from ever being my absolute best for God. So, I decided to pray too, I decided to give the entire day to God, which was I something I've never done. But on that day I gave it to God. Then I remembered the verse Jeremiah 29:11 (a really good verse, actually a promise from God.) I went up to my room because I wanted to look up the verse, but when I opened the Bible the first verse I saw was Proverbs 3: 5-6, when I read that verse, I realized that I have been leaning on my understanding for far too long, I haven't trusting the Lord with my whole heart, not even half of my heart. I've read that verse several times before, but this was the very first time that it actually impacted, that I actually felt that God was telling me to submit to him, if I do, he would make my paths straight. I gave the ENTIRE day to God, which is something I should do everyday. And the rest of day went really well.
   The next day came around and I gave the day to God again, but this I told him to take me out of comfort zone, which I is something I am terrified of doing, but that's what I knew would help get closer to God. Sure enough God took me out of my comfort zone. On that day everyone went out sharing the gospel in the beach. I'm not good at giving the gospel. I was partnered up with Debbie, a very good friend of mine. The person we talked to, didn't believe in the Bible at all, she felt that there was no God that had plan for her, she felt that every decision in her life was for her own pleasures and stuff. Debbie tried to understand her and also tried to explain the gift of Salvation how Jesus died on the cross to pay for ALL our sins, even the one we have yet to commit. She tried to explain that God had plan for her full of hope and love. But this woman was really stubborn. Finally, Debbie was going to say good-bye, but then she asked, "Do you have anything you want to say?" and throughout the entire time that Debbie was talking I kept on feeling a kind of tug that this woman needed to hear my testimony. Because the woman had said why would God love her and have plans for me, which was something I have felt many times before. So I instantly took that moment I shared my testimony. Tears came down and everything. When I had finished, the woman still didn't get it, but that didn't matter, I could tell that I had reached a part of her with my testimony. She said to me, "your story is really inspirational, and I'm really glad that God has helped you so much, but I just don't believe that." To which I said, "That's okay. I planted a seed in you and it will grow." She looked at me weirdly, but I could tell I reached a part of her. After we had left the woman, I felt so happy because I had planted seed an actual seed! On that same night, during worship, I gave up something over to God, something I never thought I could. My feelings of guilt and my of feeling uselessness and feeling unworthy of God's love. ALL LIES FROM SATAN!
   I felt useless because a long time ago my twin sister was going through a really hard time, deep emotional pain and I no way to relate to what she was feeling, I had no idea how to comfort her. I just couldn't help her, she went to me for help and for support that I could never give. She would cry almost every night and I could never stop the tears. It was hell. I remember thinking to myself, "What am I doing? If I can't help her, why am I even here?" I felt so terribly useless, and if I couldn't be useful, how am I worth any value? So when I felt useless, I also felt worthless. Because of that I went full out on my exercise, on restricting what I ate. That's when my anorexia really took a hold of me and began to drag me down. For like over a year a so I kept on feeling useless, useless, useless! Worthless, worthless, and worthless! I knew those were lies, but that's how felt and before I could stop it I believed those lies those lies to be true. Well, finally after months of recovery from anorexia, something hit me, I was a fool to believe those lies, I was nothing but a stubborn fool. That's I began to feel horribly guilty. All day long just guilt and guilt. Whenever I felt guilty I knew that I was wrong, but I couldn't shake those feelings. Also I was still struggling with feeling useless and worthless whenever I felt like, I felt guilty for believing those lies. It was horrible, continuous cycle. BUT at long last on that night of worship at L.T I cried my head off to God. Sick and tired of those lies dragging me down. I gave them to God. Nevertheless, Satan will come back and try to push me down again and again, but I will push back each time. Therefore, I must keep telling myself, "I am not useless, I am worthy, I am worthy of God's love for me."

P.S: Tom Short, one the of speakers at L.T, is totally amazing. Truly a man after God's heart.

Feeling pressured

I could remember a time in my anorexic journey, where things got really stressful and complicated and I was really scared that I was falling back into anorexia all over again. It was in the summer of 2011. I started to fall into the same cycle, the same cycle that sent me to the hospital. To this day, I'm not really so sure how I began to go backwards instead of forward. My mom began to freak out as well, she would constantly be cautiously watching me. My mom and I started to argue with each other more and more. She would say to me increasingly, "You going back downhill" "You're not thinking" "Aren't you scared of going back?" so on and so on. I got so mad at her for doing that. Of course I was scared, but at the same time I thought I could handle it. I wanted to get better, I really did, but at the same I scared of getting better. I know that sounds totally messed up. But people should know that the logic inside the mind of an anorexic is very unstable. Many anorexics want to get better, but at the very same time, they don't want to get better. Mainly because in order for them to get better, they have to gain weight, until they reach a healthy weight for their height and stuff. However, they are so highly convinced on the idea that gaining weight is just getting fat. You may call it silly or stupid, maybe even unrealistic. You can say, "It's just a cupcake what's the big deal??" you can say that all you want, but get it through your head, to an anorexic a cupcake is dangerous, even deadly. And no, that wouldn't be an exaggeration. Anyway, I started to lose weight over the summer, from 120 to 118 to 116 to 114, but most of the time I was 115. With every weigh-in that came, I just couldn't gain the weight. I just stayed the same. And I knew what I had to do, I knew how to do it, but I couldn't. Because secretly inside I liked the feeling of being underweight, of being thin and skinny, small. Even though I was thin in an unhealthy way. I knew that what I was doing to myself wasn't good for my body, but it made me feel good. That also sounds really messed up, but many people know that smoking can kill them, but they keep on smoking only because they like it. Well, it's sort of the same concept here. Next thing I knew, I began to exercise in secret, trying my very best not to let my parents ever know. Every time, I weighed myself, it would always be 115, and I would say to myself, "Raquel you need to stop this." But there was another voice inside of me saying, "Why? I feel fine." I didn't know how to explain myself, or my actions to my parents.
They best way I can illustrate it, even to this day is like this: Picture an over-sized hammer full of expectations, goals, fears, desires, dreams, values and other things. And this hammer is pounding down on small, little, weak nail. I was the nail. I hope this illustration explains how I felt back then. I really felt pressured by everybody, including myself. 

Sessions

By: harcyMill

           

            “She was born with the name Katelyn, she was full of energy. Not at all scared of heights of bugs or the dark, she pretended to be a pirate, sailing the seven seas. It was if she lived for adventure. Over the years, shy pretty much stayed that way, until she was 10 years old. Her mom was killed. Police suspect that she was robbed and when she fought back, the robber shot her. Poor little girl, she was devastated,” said a woman, trying to hold back the tears.

            “Yes, okay. Why are you crying, I thought you said you were done with Katelyn, Jessica?” asked a man, dressed in a brown suit with elbow padding. The man was holding a note pad and a black pen, taking several notes.

            “Well, Dr.Weber, I feel terribly sorry for Katelyn. Why, for a little kid to go through such pain, it’s not right,” said Jessica, tapping her finger rapidly on her knees, “How much time do we have left?”

Dr. Weber looked at his enormous grand father clock and said, “About 12 minutes. Please continue.”

“That’s it. Katelyn vanished, never to be seen again. Tragic story, yes.”

“What happened to her? And of her father?” asked Dr. Weber, trying to appear not too perplexed.

“Her father drank his sorrows away and became a no good of a parent. Social services took Katelyn away and the father didn’t do anything,” replied Jessica with a faint hint of anger, too small for Dr. Weber to notice.

“Go on.”

“Social service put Katelyn in foster care and within two weeks, Katelyn had a new family. A very wealthy family.”

 “Yes, but then this would mean that Katelyn never vanished,” concluded Dr. Weber as he flipped a page from his note pad.

“I’m not finished. Katelyn’s new parents wanted to make little Katelyn the happiest, so they told her that whatever she wanted, whether a horse or stuffed toy, they’ll get it just for her. Katelyn asked for her name to be changed, she wanted to change her name.”

“Katelyn was only 10, why would she want to do something like that?” asked the doctor, with his eyebrows squeezed together, in confusion.

“With a new name, a new family, a new house, she could create a new life and throw away the past. Katelyn vanished.”

“Mmm…yes, I see,” replied Dr. Weber, swiftly writing on his note pad, “Well, I think we covered enough for one day, I’ll see you Tuesday, three p.m. is that okay, Jessica?”

“Perfect. Thank you very much Dr. Weber,” said Jessica, while picking up her gray coat, her black brief case and quietly left Dr. Weber’s office.

Dr. Weber was all alone in his oak wood office, with his scarlet carpeting, with his thoughts collecting. He walked toward his desk and pulled out a small tape recorder and began to speak into it, “Today, Friday, the 13^th, four p.m. the month of August. I just ended the 2^nd session with my newest patient, Jessica K. Foster. I find her to be very perplexing. She speaks of Katelyn in the third person constantly. This case fascinates me a great deal. I must take another look at her profiles. The sooner the better,” Dr. Weber put down the tape recorder and called his secretary, Miss Castle, “Miss Castle, give me the profile on my newest patient, Jessica-“

“Jessica K. Foster?” asked Miss Castle, walking into his office, finishing his sentence.

“How did you know? Have you been reading my patients’ profiles again? Well?”

“Well…,” said Miss Castle, nervously biting her lips, “Well, Jessica is a nut case. I think it is useless talking to her. She changed her name like at least four times. Her first name was Katelyn, then she switched to Irene, then she-” Miss Castle was cut off.

“Yes, I’m aware, with every traumatic experience, she creates a new person for herself. The real question is, why does she talk about her past names in the third person?

Almost as if they were two different people.” said Dr. Weber pacing back and forth.

            “Yea, there’s a name for those kinds of people, that’s right, psychopath!” replied Miss Castle coldly.

            “Enough already. I know that Jessica’s original self was Katelyn…perhaps this is a case of split personality,” concluded Dr. Weber.

            “Would you care to hear my opinion?” asked Miss Castle.

            “I must leave and conduct research. Jessica might just be a text book case. Anyway, I’m seeing her Tuesday make sure I have no interruptions,” ordered Dr. Weber leaving his office, carrying is note pad and pen.

            “Text book case?” murmured Miss Caste to herself.

Session 3

            “So, Katelyn has disappeared. She becomes a new person, of course that is just and expression, I’m sure,” said Dr. Weber talking to Jessica.

            “Far from it Dr. Weber,” replied Jessica, “Everything was new, so the old could leave. Katelyn left completely. A new girl joined the family. Her name was Irene.”

            “Very well, tell me what was Irene like? Tell me some things about her,” asked Dr. Weber writing vigorously on the note pad.

            “Irene was a very quite 11-year old girl, mostly keeping her head down because she would be constantly reading books. She didn’t enjoy little kid fables, instead she preferred Edgar Allen Poe, and encyclopedias. A smart girl she was.”

            “I’m impressed. A little girl like that reading at such a high level. Did she have any friends?” asked Dr. Weber, taking his eyes off of his note pad, for a brief moment.

            “Only one, but she was Irene’s bestest friend. Her name was Lucy, the daughter of the family’s butler. Together they would recite lines from Shakespeare. They were the closet of friends, indeed,” said Jessica, with a small smile. Her eyes stared at the floor, as if she was in some sort of daze, remembering the past. However, she quickly shook her head and regained focus.

            “Are you feeling well? You looked like you in a daze just now.”

            “I’m perfectly fine…how much time do we have?”

            “Plenty please continue. Did Irene and Lucy stay close?” When Dr. Weber asked that question, Jessica’s smile faded and her eyes began to flare.

            “No they did not. One day, the family was having a bonfire in their backyard; they would do this every 4^th of July. Lucy and Irene wanted to help lit it on fire, but their parents would not let them. Irene wasn’t bothered by it, but Lucy was enraged. Lucy convinced Irene into believing that they could make a bonfire bigger than the parents. Irene didn’t see any harm so she agreed with Lucy. So, together in secrecy, they set up their own bonfire, bigger than their parents’ bonfire, alone in the library. Lucy was able steal from the parents’ kitchen vegetable oil, since the parents used up most of the matches,” Jessica was remembering every little detail leaving out no holes whatsoever, “She told Irene to pour the oil and light it up using the one match they had.”

            “Oh my, what did Irene do?” asked Dr. Weber with his widened eyes.

            “Irene refused, but Lucy said that if she didn’t do it, they wouldn’t be friends anymore. Lucy was persisted and manipulative and forceful. Finally, Irene lit the bonfire. For a brief moment nothing happened, and then the fire began to spread. It was spreading too fast to stop it. Lucy and Irene got separated in the commotion. All the parents rushed inside to save them, but their efforts came short. The whole house was destroyed. The Only survivor the firefighters could find was Irene hiding in the cellar,” Jessica’s voice was shaky, “Just when Irene was calling the house a home, just when she was ready to call her parents mom and dad, the house burned to a crisp.” While Jessica’s voice was shaky, her eyes flared with anger and hate.

            “Jessica, are you alright?”

            “Lucy tricked Irene. Lucy took advantage of Irene and the worst part is, it wasn’t the first time that Lucy used Irene. Lucy always had the upper hand. It wasn’t Irene’s fault! Irene just wanted to be accepted!” Jessica began to raise her voice.

            “But it was Irene, who lit the bonfire. It was Irene who gave into Lucy,” said Dr. Weber rather coldly.

            “No!” shouted Jessica, “she didn’t mean harm. Irene just wanted to fit in. She didn’t know what would happen. It wasn’t my fault!” sobbed Jessica loudly. Dr. Weber eyes grew open and wide in shock.

            “Your fault? Irene?” asked Dr. Weber thinking that Jessica really had split personality. Jessica quickly realized she used “my” instead of “Irene”. She nervously changed her sitting position and said, “Irene isn’t responsible.” Without another word she left, “I’ll see you Friday, same time.”

            Dr. Weber was very confused. This case boggled his mind. What a magnificent text book case Jessica would make. He was fascinated with Jessica’s complex mind. Then, his secretary walked in.

            “Well, did it work? Was it split personality? What happened?” asked Miss Castle.

            “I don’t think so. If it was, Jessica would have relapses in her memory, forgetting what she did in certain hours of the day, but Jessica remembers everything in the fullest of detail. The only problem is Jessica speaks of her own past as if she was talking about a different person and not of herself.”

            “A real psycho, you mean,” concluded Miss Castle.

            “That’s it! Jessica is in total denial! What a marvelous text book case!” exclaimed Dr. Weber full of glee, “I must see her Friday no matter what.”

            “Why do you call her a text book case and why are you happy about that?” asked Miss Castle, feeling a tad bit sorry for Jessica K. Foster.

Session 4

“Jessica, why do you change your name so often?” asked Dr. Weber.

Jessica looked surprised, “That’s a silly question to ask, Doctor.”

“How so?”

“I don’t change. I see it as more of the others, who have changed.”

“Others, as in Katelyn and Irene?”

“Yes. You see, I become new and they become old and forgotten. I become a new person, so they must be put aside,” explained Jessica confident that Dr. Weber would totally understand.

“Very well…Jessica it would appear according to my theory, you change you name, your style of cloths, your list of friends, just about everything whenever a traumatic experience happens to you. You do this in an attempt to forget the past and move forward. However, Jessica you talk about your past always in the third person, you speak as if it s another person you-”

“Dr. Weber, please stop,” pleaded Jessica biting her lip.

“Jessica you are denying everything about the past. There is one thing to forget, but denial is not at all forgetting. In fact, you are postponing the all concept of forgetting. By denying the past, Jessica you are-” again Dr. Weber was interrupted.

“Dr. Weber! You don’t know me! I am doing no such thing. I am moving on with my life, it’s necessary for the others to be discarded.”

“Fine” said Dr. Weber fed up, “Tell me who is the next girl.”

“Thank you” answered Jessica with a crooked smile, “The firefighters were going to call a foster care facility to pick up Irene. She didn’t want to go, so when they came to take her, she fled as fast as she could. She thought she could survive on her own, but she was unable. The foster care caught up with her. By the time Irene was 13 years of age, she had been in the foster care for 3 months. Finally, she was adopted by an old couple, who wanted to raise one more child before they say good bye for good.”

“Okay, fine, go on.”

“The couple was shocked to hear that Irene wanted to change her name, but they didn’t see any harm in it. Irene vanished. The couple had a new 13-year old girl, her name was Stephanie.”

“I have a cousin by that name.” commented Dr. Weber, for some obscure reason. Jessica ignored Dr. Weber’s comment by saying her next sentence faster than necessary, “Stephanie was a strong willed, determine, persistent, very competitive girl. She didn’t care for fashion or popularity, but in the school she was the most popular girl around.”

“How interesting Stephanie and Irene are total opposites, please continue.”

“Like I was saying, Stephanie was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but she was also the girl people envied the most. Stephanie had it all. She was intelligent, athletic, and very pretty. At first, she didn’t like the attention, but she grew accustom to it, she began to enjoy it and feed on it.”

“What do you mean by ‘feed on it’?” asked Dr. Weber full of curiosity.

“She craved for attention. Her parents were clueless about her fixation on being liked by other people. She was convinced that being popular was the best way to live. For 3 years she was the most popular girl.”

“What’s wrong with being will-liked?” asked Dr. Weber. Jessica sneered at him, while he wasn’t looking, for who knows what reason.

“Stephanie though was would never be alone, but all that change when a new girl came and took all of her friends away. That’s when she Stephanie came to her senses and realized she never once had any true friends. When Stephanie tried to make the new girl look like a spectacle, she failed and became the spectacle instead, a laughing stock. Stephanie hated the girl with a passion.”

“Oh dear, but wasn’t Stephanie still at least a little popular?”

Jessica scoffed at Dr. Weber, “No. She had sunken deep. One day Stephanie saw the girl climbing up the stairs, and she had the sudden urge to push her all the way down, but just when she only a few feet away, the girl lost her footing and tripped by herself. The girl fell of the stairs and broke leg, everyone in the school blamed Stephanie even her parents. The parents decide to send Stephanie to a boarding school far away. Stephanie was now seen as a rebellious freak, she was sent away.”

“That’s terrible. How did Stephanie take it?”

“She felt abandon, forgotten, like a piece of trash being thrown away,” replied Jessica with glassy stare in her eyes.

“Oh my word how dreadful let me guess, Stephanie instead of fighting back, instead of making the best of her situation, she instead vanishes away and new girl comes into play,” said Dr. Weber bluntly. Jessica glared at Dr. Weber with anger.

“What do you mean by that?” snarled Jessica trying to contain herself.

“Stop being in denial, stop running away. The whole point of living is to overcome trials and move one,” persisted Dr. Weber.

“I did move one. You don’t know what was it like for Katelyn, Irene, Stephanie, you never met them!”

“Jessica, they are you! All this time, you were creating a new person, all this time never once have you ever made anything better. They were always you!” Jessica did not bother to answer; she stormed out of the office.

Session 7

            Dr. Weber was sitting alone in his office looking up the files of Jessica K. Forster. He was still very much puzzled with the mind of Jessica. He was fascinated with her other names and the way she would create herself a new body. What a great textbook case she would have been he thought to himself.

            “Dr. Weber, she’s not coming, this is the third session in a row,” said Miss Castle.

            “Yes, so it is. Jessica has vanished. She no longer exits. A new girl has been born no doubt. She goes by a different name, different house, friends job, maybe.”

            “Dr. Weber, don’t be hard on your self.”

            “I have never had a patient like her. Was it multiple split personalities or was she in denial, or could it have been something else entirely. Could she have stayed longer, I could have helped greatly. She was one the best text book cases I’ve seen.”

            “A text book case? Was that all you saw in her?” asked Miss Castle with a little hint of anger, “Insane or not, Jessica was and is still a person.” Dr. Weber found it rather strange to hear Miss Castel defending Jessica.

            “What done is done. Whoever she is now, Jessica K. Forster is probably gone. I will have to move on,” replied Dr. Weber in a low serious voice.

            And it was just as Dr. Weber said. Jessica while driving home from her last session had a brush with death and decided that a new life was long over due, but maybe the words of Dr. Weber will speak to her. Maybe this time she won’t change. She might stay as Jessica Katelyn Forster. There are many possibilities in life.

            “She could be anywhere, anyone,” concluded Dr. Weber.

            “In any case, I still say she was psychopath,” said Miss Castle leaving Dr. Weber’s office.

            As Miss Castle quietly left Dr. Weber’s office, perhaps Jessica was still herself; perhaps she was facing the realities with her past. Dr. Weber stared out into the distance and for the very first time in his life, he felt a feeling of failure, he never felt before. Who knows what Jessica could be doing; this was the first time ever that he felt a sort of guilty feeling that he could have done more. Where was Jessica? Who could she possibly be now? What if Jessica was just another name for the woman to become?

The End

  

More details of summer 2010

Okay! So last time I posted, I posted my research paper on Anorexia, which got an A-. A good grade if I say so myself. Also, a few posts ago, I talked about my summer of 2010. Let me see if I can remember a few more details...

Well, I remember in 4th of July my church planned this big celebration and stuff. End the meeting early go out and watch a firework show then, go out for ice cream. And before that happened, one of my mom's friends invited us over to their house for a big party with LOTS of food. (Okay, I'm not a fan of anything that has been deep-fried, I do not like sour candy, I hate lollipops, I despise popcorn, I'm not very much into french fries or chips, cheese cake I don't find it really at all enjoyable. I'm listing just the basics of what I don't like.) However, my one weakness is baked goods. Cake, muffins, cookies, fudge, pie, croissants and much more, now those things I like, and I get carried away. It's very important for everyone to find a sense of balance, to properly portion their meals. Very important!! 
But back to the story. So, needless to say, I got carried away, but a few hours went by and my stomach got over the queasy stage, I began to feel normal. So after the firework show I went out for ice cream and I didn't get some simple ice cream cone, no. I got something pretty big. (Ice cream, the one junk food that I will never stop liking. You can take way all the other junk foods, no problem, but DON"T take away ice cream!) My favorite brand of ice cream is Publix brand. Recently, however, I am finding that low fat frozen yogurt taste way better than ice cream. I think it has something to do with the texture.
Believe it or not, but the day after 4th of July, I had a weigh- in and I thought for sure that I would ace the thing, but instead I was underweight by one pound and of course, the doctors were concern. I just couldn't help but think, "I hate sooo much yesterday and I'm still underweight, wow." I don't know if a lot of people know this or not, but it takes 3200-3500 calories to gain 1 pound. I'm pretty sure it was 3200, but at the same time, it could be more. In any case, just look it up on Google. We live in a generation, where people have access to thousands and thousands of different pieces of information, right at their finger tips. Let me just say, that's pretty cool.
So, I was down by one pound (either one pound or two) I freaked out a little, but like at the same time I didn't worry much, because it was only one pound. So no big deal, right? Well, this time I was right. When I went back for my next weigh-in I was perfectly where I was supposed to be. It's all thanks to the fact that God has been helping through my eating disorder, ever since the beginning! ^_^

research paper

Hello! Somewhere around last year (2011) before Thanksgiving, I did a research paper for my English class, MDC. I did pretty good. My grade on the paper was -A not bad at all ^_^. Don't worry my MLA is good and I did all the research myself. There is NO plagiarism in any of it. As God as my witness!

Enjoy! It's sort of long....

Anorexia

Sheila, a thirteen-year-old girl, for the past 6 months has been steadily losing weight. Her food choices are overly restrictive. She eats alone; so much so, that she does not eat with her family at the dinner table anymore. She is constantly exercising; her parents are terribly worried, but Sheila keeps on saying that nothing is wrong with her (Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder 11). Brideget Engel, Natalie Staats Reiss and Mark Dombeck, all PhD doctors, state that, “The first formal description and diagnosis of anorexia as a medical condition occurred in England during the 1680’s” (par. 5). Anorexia has clearly been around longer than people think, in fact well over 300 years. Nowadays, doctors make a proper diagnosis by performing a few tests. They check the patients’ current height and weight, then a few laboratory tests, then finally, a psychological test. Some would think that more people would take anorexia seriously, but on the contrary, many people fail to see how devastating it can be:  “Anorexia nervosa is a psychiatric disorder characterized by an unrealistic fear of weight gain... the individual is obsessed with becoming increasingly thinner and limits food intake to the point where health is compromised” (anorexia nervosa def. 1). People who are suffering from anorexia will deny the fact that they are dangerously thin. They are convinced that they must lose weight to obtain a healthy body. They may lose weight by limiting their calorie intake, excessive exercise, overdosing on diet pills and vomiting. To an anorexic, eating one simple cookie is like eating a box of cookies. The article, “Anorexia Statistics And Other Eating Disorder Statistics,” states, “1 in 200 women  in the United States have anorexia” (par. 5). Translate that number, and it turns into, “7-10 million women, teens & girls in the United States...” (par. 5). That’s just America alone, in females alone. What would happen if the statistics added males too? What if the statistics included the world? Studies reveal that anorexia is not something someone can develop or recover from over night; there are a series of symptoms to look out for, as well as important treatments to consider.

It is true that anorexia is, in fact an eating disorder, nevertheless no one can deny that anorexia is also a type of psychological disorder. Why and how does an individual begin to think that he or she is fat, when in reality he or she could be perfectly fine? It is time that people start to understand the psychology behind anorexia. Karen SaintLuke, a freelance writer, explains that, “Feelings of fatness and unattractiveness are known to cause this eating disorder” (par. 7). When anorexics look at the mirror they often feel that they are not skinny. Not skinny equals fat and fat equals ugly. Those who suffer from anorexia, struggle with the way they see themselves. Everyone knows that anorexics obsess over staying thin, however, “It is less known that many anorexics obsess about food” (Werdell par. 4). When anorexics are near food or when they are thinking about food they will obsess over mainly two things. The first thing is, how many calories does the food contain? If they are going to eat the food they will obsess over the potions. Anorexics do this because they believe that they have an unhealthy body. Sometimes they may even believe that they are unworthy to be looked at. It is very clear that anorexia is both an eating disorder and a psychological disorder.

Anorexics have several ways to make it seem like they eat more in a day when in reality they do not. They have many strategies, as well as methods to lose weight. These strategies may work at first, but all anorexics suffer the same symptoms. Though they may try to deny it and conceal it, the truth always comes out. The Mayo Clinic staff shares a few of the symptoms, which are, “...dry skin, lack of emotions, fatigue, social withdrawal, dehydration...” (par. 3-4). Anorexics may have dry skin because of such a high lack of water in their body system, which would also explain the cause of dehydration. People with anorexia will sometimes turn down invitations to parties, hanging out with friends mainly because food is involved, thus making them to go through a social withdrawal. Social withdrawal, may be hard to notice, nevertheless it occurs slowly, but surely. Most of the time, they feel fatigue because they have no energy. Other than these symptoms there are some more serious symptoms that must be looked for. Mayo Clinic staff, shares, “...excessive exercising, denial of hunger, low blood pressure, irregular heart rhythms, extreme weight loss...” (par. 3-4). When anorexics do become hungry chances are that they will ignore it or get rid of it by drinking water or chewing gum. When they feel that they have over eaten they must burn away those calories by doing excessive exercise. By constantly exercising and not giving their body the proper nutrition their blood pressure will fall and may keep decreasing over time. The article, “Dangers of Anorexia,” states, “Anorexia nervorsa has a multitude of medical complications, ranging from mild to severe...” (par. 2). These medical complications can, if not treated, cause the individual to die, “...such as heart, kidney, or multiple organ failure or...pneumonia...” (par. 2). On occasion, an anorexic may experience organ failure for a short period of time. This only happens, however, if the anorexic is in severe condition. In the worst case scenario the individual dies because the heart has stopped beating.

Hundreds of girls, if not thousands, suffer everyday from anorexia. This eating disorder may start small, but once it starts to grow it is hard to stop it. The effects of anorexia robs ordinary teens, young adults and even their families from enjoying life. Anorexia is most common in women, but does, in fact affect men. Consider the story of  Tom, he was once a high school diver, but now he is in no condition to participate in the sport. The only foods he ate were health bars and juice. Always exercising to obtain more muscles; but, instead of appearing muscular he looked like a skeleton as one friend jokingly teased him (Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder 12). One may wonder why would men be affected by anorexia, after all, they don’t read Vogue or Instyle magazine, but they do read men’s magazine, which often displays a man with 6-pack abs. Men feel just as pressured as women from the media and society, the only difference is that they tend to conceal it. It is more difficult to spot anorexia amongst males than females because, “...females often use extreme dieting as a gateway into an eating disorder...males are more likely to fixate on exercise, which may appear deceptively healthy” (Vivo par. 3). Unlike women, men will focus mainly on extreme exercises, instead of dieting. Nevertheless, they may include a diet, but the diet will most likely be, “a strict high-protein, no-fat diet” (Vivo par. 1). Signs of anorexia found in women do not appear in men with anorexia. The article, “Male Anorexia,” explains that the, “...classic sign of anorexia, amenorrhea, cannot be applied in men” (par. 9). Amenorrhea is the loss of the monthly period that women receive. However, other than that one symptom there is really no difference.

When family members try to help their anorexic child or sibling by trying to take the individual to a hospital for a proper diagnosis often they will be pushed away. If anorexics are always denying and ignoring their symptoms, weight loss and their current medical condition, how can their family members  help them? Performing a proper diagnosis is critical, sadly, “In many cases, the actual diagnosis is not made until medical complications have developed” (Dryden-Edwards par. 1). These medical complications can range from mild to severe. In some cases, the family member has to force their child or sibling to go to the hospital. However, a family member cannot bring their child or sibling to the hospital based on a gut feeling, “...the patient's symptoms must conform to the guidelines set out in the DSM-IV (the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV)” (“The Anorexia Diagnosis” par. 6). The guidelines are:  weight loss, fear of weight gain, distorted body image and amenorrhea. When anorexia is suspected, “A complete medical and psychological history will be gathered...In addition to a medical history, a complete physical examination is required” (par. 3-5).  The physical exam will include blood tests, “...and electrocardiogram tests will be performed if there is reason to believe the heart has been affected” (par. 5). It should be noted that, “Anorexics may not give accurate answers about weight loss, or attempt to deny the possibility of eating disorders...family members may provide more realistic answers” (par. 4). All these steps, in diagnosing anorexia must be performed to ensure a full recovery. Overall, the process of performing a proper diagnosis can be very stressful for both the family member and the anorexic. Nevertheless, it must be the first step in recovering from the eating disorder.

After a proper diagnosis is completed, it is time to take the next step forward in recovery. The next step is finding the right treatment to help the anorexic. A person with anorexia who starts treatment early will most of the time make good progress, but a person with anorexia who starts treatment when the disorder is serious will have a most difficult time. Different treatment options should be looked into depending on the condition of the anorexic. One internet source gives an example, “A hospital stay is needed for those who are seriously underweight or who have severe medical problems” (WebMD par. 1). If the anorexic is in serious condition it will be required that the individual stays in the hospital. The stay, could be over night, two days or more, it all depends with the condition and the cooperation of the patient. When a family has a child, who is anorexic it is highly recommended for the family to take family therapy it, “...helps parents support their child, both emotionally and physically. It also supports parents in creating a normal eating pattern for their child” (par. 7). Family members, will benefit greatly by partaking in family therapy. They will gain a better understanding of their child’s condition and how they can help their child through this eating disorder. Nutrition is very important when treating anorexia and should not be taken lightly. A nutritional treatment plan, usually involves appointments with a personal nutritionist or dietitian for the anorexic. Together, they will create an eating plan to help the anorexic  gain weight. The nutritionist will help make meal plans with a good amount of calories to reach and keep a healthy weight (Smith and Segal par. 35). Also, there are treatment centers all throughout the United States. The treatment center will include several treatment options, “...such as art therapy, equine assisted psychotherapy, body image and experiential therapy” (Remuda Ranch par. 4). Treatment should take place right after the diagnosis and should always have a comforting atmosphere. It may be really hard and scary for an anorexic to go through treatment, so it is crucial for the family to be supportive.

Anorexia is an extremely serious disease, both physically and mentally. It slowly drains the life of the person. This psychological disorder may carry many deadly medical conditions if the appropriate steps are not taken, nevertheless there are some people out there who have overcome this terrible disorder. Consider the story of Diana, “When Diana Anderson started high school, she was a healthy athlete...when her long-term boyfriend broke up with her, the picture wasn’t so rosy” (Smith par. 1). This was the point for Diana where she felt rejected. Thought after thought were streaming through her mind of not feeling pretty enough, why else would her boy-friend break up with her? Diana explains what happens next, “I [Diana] really turned to fitness as a way to control my life...Soon enough, I dropped from 120 lbs...to 110, then 100lbs, and then below 100 lbs within months” (par. 2). Diana felt that the only possible way to ever control the chaos in her life was if she controlled what went inside her mouth. It didn’t take long for the disease to consume her, “Over time she seemed to lose the joyfulness that she always had. Then there began to be physical symptoms as well as the change in her mood” (par. 3). The symptoms of anorexia may be hard to notice at first, but become more distinguishable as time goes by. Diana’s mother didn’t know what to do, “As a last resort, Diana’s mother decided to research all of her symptoms online...After a year of studying the Bible and praying about her anorexia, Diana was completely delivered from her eating disorder” (par. 8-14). It took a whole year, but Diana along with her family never gave up, “She’s even written a book called Miss University to help college-age girls keep fitness and nutrition in balance” (par. 14). Of course, the process of her recovery was very difficult, but who is to say that she didn’t have any help? Diana states a Bible verse that had helped her greatly, “Corinthians 6:19 has always been my go-to verse since I‘ve been well” (par. 15). Anorexia was controlling Diana’s life and she didn’t even know it. Her mother, took the first step and showed Diana the facts. Then, afterwards, Diana began her process of recovery and was successful. Recovering from anorexia is not impossible, it never was.

Sheila, a thirteen-year-old girl was slowly isolating herself. She had been steadily decreasing in her weight over the past 6 months by being overly restrictive in her food options and by constantly exercising. Sheila’s parents tried on several occasions to warn her, but each time Sheila pushed them away claiming that she felt fine. There are many other girls out there in America who are just like Sheila trying their best to be as thin as possible in order to gain a healthy body. The fact is, anorexia is more than a simple eating disorder it is a mental disorder as well. Feelings of fatness and not being pretty consume their lives, if they don’t see themselves as thin they will think they are fat and ugly. Because of this, they will try every way they know how to be thin. In the process of doing so, they will try their best to conceal their symptoms, by coming up with excuses or by wearing baggy clothes to hide their weight loss. People suffering anorexia will always think they know what they are doing, they are in constant denial. Ignoring their dry skin, lack of emotion, low blood pressure and many other symptoms that, if not treated soon will cause them to die, such as organ and heart failure. Truth be told, girls are not the only victims of anorexia there are many boys and young male adults facing the same trails. Tom was once a great athlete, but now his body is in no condition to play sports. Tom only allowed himself to eat health bars and juice. Even his friends now tease him calling him a skeleton. Anorexia affects both females and males. There are many other Toms as well as Sheilas in America. It is harder to identify anorexia in males than in females mainly because men do not partake in fad diets and they do not suffer from the classic signs of anorexia as females do, such as amenorrhea. Therefore, it is harder to diagnose men than it is with women. The diagnosis process may take a long time to complete depending on the anorexic’s condition and cooperation. A proper diagnosis, will include laboratory tests, such as a blood test followed by psychological test, so the doctors can discern whether or not the patient has a distorted body image, then finally, if the it is suspected that the heart has been affected it will be required to perform a electrocardiogram test. It is important that right after the diagnosis are finished to consider treatment options for the anorexic patient. A nutrition plan designed to help the patient reach a healthy weight is a necessity, as well as therapy sessions. Family members should be involved during this process, therefore they should consider partaking in family therapy. If the anorexic’s condition is beyond the control of the parents and if the condition is critical the doctors may highly recommend taking their child to a treatment center where the best team doctors are available. The entire recovery process is most challenging and may take months to years, and the person may experience, occasionally a relapse. Nonetheless, there are people out there who have fully recovered from anorexia. Diana is a perfect example. It took her a whole year to overcome anorexia and she is now living a healthy example for all girls out there struggling with weight. If anyone wants to know more about eating disorders along with anorexia they should look into this website:  http://www.anad.org/.

Works Cited

“The Anorexia Diagnosis.” Tree. Tree.com, Inc., 2011. Web. 27 Oct. 2011.

“Anorexia nervosa.” TheFreeDictionary. Farlex, Inc., 2011. Web. 21 Oct. 2011.

“Anorexia Nervosa - Treatment Overview.” WebMD. WebMD, LLC., 2011. Web. 28 Oct. 2011.

“Anorexia Statistics And Other Eating Disorder Statistics.” EatingDisorders411.com. EatingDisorders411.com., June 2010. Web. 22 Oct. 2011.

“Dangers of Anorexia.” EatingDisoders. Guze Books, LLC. 2010. Web. 26 Oct. 2011.

Dryden-Edwards, Roxanne. “How is Anorexia Nervosa Diagnosed.” MedicineNet.com. MedicineNet Inc., 2011. Web. 27 Oct. 2011.

Engel, Bridget, Natalie Staats Reiss and Mark Dombeck. “Historical Understandings.” MentalHelp.net. CenterSite, LLC., 2011. Web. 21 Oct. 2011.

Lock, James and Daniel Le Grange. Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder. New York:  A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc., 2005. Print.

“Male Anorexia.” HubPages. HubPages Inc., 2011. Web. 25 Oct. 2011.

“The Psychology of Anorexia and Bulimia.” Papers4You.com. Papers4You.com, 2011. Web. 23 Oct. 2011.

Smith, Audra. “Diana Anderson:  Overcoming Anorexia.” The 700 Club. The Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc., 2011. Web. 2 Nov. 2011.

Smith, Melinda and Jeanne Segal. “Anorexia Nervosa Sings, Symptoms, Causes, and Treatment.” HelpGuide.org. n.d., Oct. 2011. Web. 31 Oct. 2011.

“Symptoms.” Mayoclinicstaff.com. MFMER., 2011. Web. 24 Oct. 2011.

Vivo, Meghan. “Male Eating Disorders:  Re-valuating The Stereotypes.” Eating Disorders Treatment. n.d., 2010. Web. 25 Oct. 2011.

“Welcome to Remuda Ranch.” Remuda Ranch. Remuda Ranch. 2011. Web. 2 Nov. 2011.

Werdell, Phil. “Anorexia and Food Addiction.” FoodAddiction.com. Acorn, 2011. Web. 23 Oct. 2011.

summer days

   Hello once again. Last time, I was talking about summer of 2010 and how I was swimming early in the morning everyday. And because of this my mom, I think, was little worried because of that. Don't get me wrong, I was a little worried myself, but I was too busy enjoying the water.

Anyway, I would aide for two weeks straight and take two weeks off, then do another two weeks or something like that. Sometimes, my sister and I were desperately needed, so we couldn't take our two week break. Oh, wait, let me tell you a funny story, I think it happened either in the summer of 2010 or 2011 one of those two. Well, it was deep water drill, where we take all the little ones to the deep end (not deep at all, only 4ft) and then with all that we taught them in the shallow pool they do it in the deep end. I was with this little girl, waiting for her in the water, but she was scared to jump in, so I said, "Come on, it's 4 feet deep and you're 4 feet tall." She does her math and jumps in, without a second thought. Once she jumped in the water, that's when I realized, she wasn't 4 feet tall at all. But don't worry, I caught her and she did everything she was supposed to do really well.

Anyway, believe it or not, but summer of 2010 went well. I can only remember two minor mishaps, but even then it wasn't that much. And one of those mishaps had noting to do with my weight. It was the 4th of July and I was watching a big firework show (awesome stuff) and I had a sparkler in my hand. Well, my friend, Lauren said that once my sparkler would burn out, she would touch it with her thumb because, you know, why would it be still hot anyway? It burnt out and I was waiting for her to touch it, but she said, "I can't do it. I'm too scared. It's probably still really hot."
Then I said, "What? Really? Come on. Okay, I'll do it." I reached out with my thumb and grabbed the sparkler. Needless to say, in less than 2 seconds my thumb got burn. I yelled, "Ow! Why did I just do that!?"
"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" asked Lauren
"My thumb is burned. I am not okay." I mustard up some courage and I fought back the tears. After going to the Publix across the parking lot, I watered my finger with cold water and ice.
Now that I look back to that day, I laugh. ^o^ Because it's so funny and a little stupid!!  Ahh....good times, good times. I hope I never ever forget that moment of July with Lauren. Never ever.

I think I should stop here, even though I didn't cover much, but my sister needs to use the computer for homework.  See you later.    I <3 GOD!       

continuing where I left off

Hello again! I'm sorry, it took me some time to post again, but hey, at least I don't disappear for a whole year. Just to recap:  I ride my bicycle every weekday, and I loved it! However, when I went for my weigh-in, I lost weight. At first, I didn't know how much, until I asked my mom. It turned I lost only half a pound. The doctors made such a big deal over it, I though lost 3lbs. Therefore, the thought of my losing more than a pound, next time scared me crazy! I was scared because I thought the doctors would take away my exercise. (my pride and joy) Second to God, of course!  The only way to stay safe, was if I kept my weight the same number.

Let's get things rolling! Every time I went to Publix, with my mom, I would weigh myself, when she wasn't looking. I would always make sure that none of my family members would see me. I would do this because I wanted to make sure I maintained my weight. As you can imagine, this made me very stressful and frustrated. On some days, I lost weight and I wouldn't know weather to be happy or scared. On other days, I gained and I would feel terribly awful, but on most days I maintained my weight. However, I would always worry, "Will I weigh the same next week, tomorrow?" Always worry.
Worrying over every little thing is very stressful, so don't do it! Like the Bible says: Which one of you by worrying can add a cubit to your stature?  
I still rode my bike and I loved it ^_^ however, there a few days, where I was unable to ride my bike. My mom was too busy, it was raining, stuff like that. It barely happened, but when it did, I would get extremely mad/worry. No way to live. Nevertheless, that's what I did, and it worked. I maintained my weight. Then, before I knew it, it was Summer. School was ending and it wad definitively getting hot.

You might think to yourself, "ah, yes Summer, I can finally relax." Well, not for me.
Every Summer, I went to swimming classes. I would swim all morning and I loved it. I LOVE swimming, doing lap after lap after lap. Pure bliss for me! This Summer, would be a little different, instead of learning how to swim, I was going to teach. Last year, 2009, I took a swimming and written test, that allowed me to like the assistant teacher in swimming classes. People like that war called, aide. Every aide, in the middle of class must leave the class they are helping in and do 20 laps. It was a MUST!
I couldn't do 20 laps, so I would do 12-16 laps, (now I can do 18-20 laps in between classes) but after the classes where done, I would get in the pool again and do more laps. Needles to say, I loved it!

In fact, I still teach in the same pool, let me show you a picture.

Pretty cool, right? The water is spring water, so it is pretty cold. But I like it cold! I am in love with that pool. I hope I never stop going. I hope every Summer, I'll go to that pool and swim for hours ^_^
My mom was a little worried I would get carried away I swim too much. I didn't think about that at all. I swam and I felt so free. I would aide in shallow pool (I still do). I think I should stop here, and recollect my thoughts, during this timeline. Because I can't remember everything.

END    I <3 GOD!

In my opinion, a person can sort of get the feel of how another person is like by listing to the type of music that the person listens to. You know, chances are a really girly girl would most likely enjoy Lady Ga Ga or something. If a person heard that another person was very much into classical music that person could easily assume that he/she is smart or intelligent and dresses real nice.
So, I think that if I show you a few songs that I like, that make me want to dance, you might just get to know me better. You won't really know anything about other than what songs I listen to on a daily basis. I'm just going to put a few, but I am also going to put down A LOT!
Let get this train wreck rolling!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q_B-VxcfRc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9aOv5YMVPI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3jTQhx62-s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXxJrBNAec8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM&ob=av2e

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV5e7mWcQJE (this song is really old, but done by the best dancing couple ever known!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLkMA3wn70Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjQ7vBQGLGw I am a girl you know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luXrDpGie4E This song, I think really describes who I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqFIPiN_V3g       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq1CDEXPqaw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlAe77E3gxY       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06ZGaFkyl0U

I think I'd better stop here. I got carried away. Sorry about that.

another part of when I left

Okay let's get things rolling! First I want to say I'm sorry for the fact that it took such a looong time to proceed on to the next part of my last post. The one in December, where I was secretly exercising, and then I got discovered after the BBQ party. I'm just recapping a bit so that way you't won't be totally lost. Then, as you know, the next 72 hours/3 days were a living hell. Horrible stuff. Anyway, I ended the post explaining, that finally my doctor told me,  I could exercise :)

But if I could just side-trike for a moment. I remember, that whenever I was in church or hanging out with friends there was always at least two people that would ask me, "How do you feel?" "Are you okay?" or tell me "I've been praying for you." And all that jazz. I hated it! Hate it! The question, "how do you feel?" the person wasn't just asking if at the moment I was fine, no the person was asking for my overall status, I guess. How were things at the house? Are you eating enough? At first the questions and the comments were okay. People praying for me that made me feel good, but day after day they kept asking me the same question. How did they think I felt?? I felt annoyed and frustrated because all I wanted was to lose weight and become as thin as possible. I didn't wanted to go back to the hospital ever again. It's very confusing:  I didn't want to go back to where I started, yet at the same, I wanted to continue in the steps that led me down that very path. I was contradicting myself BIG time!
Let's just say during that time of my life my logic wasn't very logical.

Refocusing back to the main point of my post. I could finally workout! I bought a bicycle with my own money. I would ride that bicycle every week-day morning with my mom around the neighborhood. Whenever I was on that bike I felt free. Not just because the wind was in my face, but because I was doing something that I loved! I crave for exercise everyday! Everyone should work out. And yes a person can easily get a workout without going inside a gym. (For all those people who hate the gym). Me on the other hand I LOVE LOVE the gym!! However, back to what I was talking about. Two or three months go by, still riding the bicycle, still loving it, I had a doctors appointment I needed to go to. I went, I got weighed and then my doctor didn't look too please. She wanted to make sure I didn't lose any weight, so just to be safe side she weighed me 3 times or so. I got nervous real fast. I lost weight. On other days I would be glad, not that day. My doctor asked me how much I was exercising. I told her how much. This time I told the whole truth.  She was about to give a long speech, I just knew it. But then she asked if I had gotten my period. "Yes." Then she said, "Great! Then there's nothing to really worry about. Just don't overdue it Raquel." It was too late. I got soooo nervous, thinking that I was in deep trouble, I was crying. Crying a lot. In the end, I left the hospital glad that me having the period saved me, but sad and frustrated that I lost weight when I wasn't supposed to. But then a light went on in my head:  how much weight did I lose exactly??

I asked my mom about it. She didn't want to tell me. But I was persistent. I lost half a pond. Half! The doctor made such a big deal about it, I thought I lost 3lbs! What's the deal!? I got mad. However, at the very same I got scared and I became very worried. I thought to myself, "If they made such a fuss over not even one pound I don't want to think about what would've happened if I lost 3 pounds." That experience made me very scared of losing weight. Because I thought the doctors would lecture me, my mom and dad would give me a very long speech right after. Every time weighed myself all I wanted was to maintain my weight. If gained weight I would feel awful just awful! If I lost weight I would freak out, and get scared. Terrified that the doctors would take away my exercising. Maintaining my weight was like my safe zone. It guaranteed me that nothing bad would happen.

Let's stop here and call it a day. I think I covered a good amount.    I <3 GOD!!

some random poems

    Okay, so during those few moments in my life where I don't know what to do on the computer and I'm bored because I already finished my workout or I finished school really fast, stuff like that. I like to type poems into my computer and I save them in Microsoft. Well, I thought to myself "why not I post some of my poems" You should know that my twin sister writs poems too. I will be sure to include a few of her poems.
Here's a challenge try and figure which ones are my sister's and which ones are mine. Maybe I should give hints along the way....I don't know. Most of our poems are sad and with sorrow (only because it is easier to describe and create an image) But my sister likes to make every sentence have a rhyme. I barely try to do that. Sometimes to do that, but I prefer to use words for description.
Let us get things moving!

Good Night

Night creeps with no warning I seem to be caught in the same cycle

Again and again I sleep into the same routine

No way out and only one way in

How did I get here and now I can’t go back there

Home sweet home is now a distant dream

As I now live in this nightmare.

I dare someone to save me with himself not getting caught

Caught in this hell-hole

This whole thing is no lie as I die with no one here

My last cry will blast the walls of my skull

But not one will hear this heart beat

This beat of death will not beat life

My wife says stay with me

But she seems to fade away

My way of life is now getting dark

No hope is here and I sleep into this again

Can I gain life?

Can I fake my way back

My mind draws a blank and I can’t think

I sleep and I won’t wake.

Good night

Good-bye light.

 Arms of Winter.

December made you happy with the thought of gifts

Gifts that would be tucked under the tree.

The lights would shine in a set pattern.

Out of the window the wind calls out to you.

An invitation to a snow wonder land.

As you step outside Winter’s arms embraces you.

Chills travel through your body as Winter’s arms tighten.

It’s sharp and crisp.

The forest is covered in a blanket of snow resting upon a bed of snow.

It is soft to touch.

Nothing can ever be as good as this.

Sad to say Winter starts to become harsh.

Soft snow is forgotten.

Replace with ice.

The blanket of snow is now a sheet of thickness.

Your hands are num and black.

Can’t move your own two feet without feeling regret.

Winter shows you its beauty only for a moment.

It quickly changes into a cursed season.

Longing for spring.

Where lilies bloom with clover fields.

Where Spring surrounds you with a soft breeze

Not now as Winter cuts to your core and breaks it.

December was nice at first.

Not now.

The mood has changed.

And so has you.

Winter leaves you hard and cold.

 Awaken

I scream out from this pit I have fallen into.

I yell from the Abyss.

Will no one come to my aid?

I cry out loud but my echo just seems to be

The only response I hear.

My only motivator is fear.

What have I done with all my dreams?

The sun comes over the crakes of this prison

Its light beams through my only source

Of hope that keeps me alive.

Just knowing that the skies are still blue.

That birds still fly south. I hear the rustle

Of their feathers.

 I scream out loud again.

But my throat has gone dry it brings pain.

Must keep fighting but I can’t wake up.

The blow on my head is what made me

Lie down in the bed filled with nurses.

I hear voices. They have given up on me.

Even my love has turned away.

But I dare not give in!

I with the little strength I have awake!

My motivator is no longer fear!

I strive to awake with purpose!

And so I am free. I can see the 

Skies… and there’re blue.

Rainbow

The rainbow bends with color

And each color is different

But they merge to make the same thing

How shameful it is to just look

And not be grateful for such beauty

Be thankful for this promise

That floats in the sky

It lies down in an arch

But it’s funny to know

That only after a storm 

This beauty is formed

During the storm we only see dark clouds

But take heart and look far ahead

Look beyond your fear

And when you near the end

A rainbow will appear.

Doom

It looms above

It’s not pretty

Like a flower bloom

The noise is loud

Like a boom

Doom it says

And you have to pay

Every owe you have

You thought you gave it all

But it’s taking you back

Doom it says

Life ends in a great shock

A tombstone is your stumbling block

You die alone

Doom it said

You’re now dead

Trapped underground

The sound of your family’s cry

Doom it will say

One by one your family

Pays your debt

One by one they will hear too

Doom it will say

Pointless

All of them were lined up and ready.

All of them waiting for their leader to rise.

Waiting, hoping that maybe fate will leave them be.

This war was to be their last.

As the leader tried to give words of triumph

They knew it was all hopeless.

What’s the point? Fighting over something

That was never yours.

Fighting to win a losing battle.

Their beacon of hope, gone.

It broke into more pieces than sand.

No matter? What’s the point?

To die for a cause that has no meaning?

As they ran across the field praying

That God almighty might spare their lives.

Though they strived they came short.

They are soldiers with tormented souls.

Living a life with nothing, but foul.

With the first striking noise of their blades

That’s when they knew.

And on that night none came back.

The leader’s head dangles on the edge of a spear.

Their fears of fate were met.

No excuse. No hope. What’s the point? 

Day or Night

So bright in the sky

The light hurts your eyes

But without it you can’t see

And when it sets

It let’s you see without a strain

Without pain you can see stars

But it gets darker and darker

And soon you long for the brightness

You trip in the dark

You hear barks but where are they

You fear for what you can’t see

But then a beam of light

And it seems too bright

You turn your eyes and now you can see

You are still in the same place

Day or night you still walk the same pace

Day or night you still face problems

Day is bright

Night is dark

But both are so beautiful

Powerless

Its night time and it’s late. 

You should really get some rest.

But you can’t the pain is too strong.

Everyday you try your best.

You strive to belong.

And I can’t sleep knowing that you’re sad.

You turn away your head behind shadows.

Try to ignore your feelings.

Like there not even real. But you’re

Not made out of steel.

Last night I saw tear stains on your cheeks

As they slowly roll down but they

Never hit the ground.

And I feel so powerless to

Hear you cry because there’s nothing

I can do to help you get by.

I try to give words of comfort

But they always come out dry.

Your pain is deep and it hurts me

To see tear stains on your cheeks as they slowly

Roll down but they never hit the ground.

You always wipe them clean.

I feel so powerless to see you cry.

Almost everyday.

My thoughts get all twisted.

And there’s nothing I can say.

I feel so powerless…just powerless.

This is the World

Welcome to existence

Welcome to the world

Behold the great mysteries of the untold.

You’re so naive to believe almost

Anything that comes to mind

Because you’re so blind.

This is reality not fantasy! What don’t you see?

This is the world it’s harsh I know, but still its home!

A faint whisper calls from behind, your past

It’s coming back trying to get you to

Believe again in all the stories about

Legends and kings from long ago.

All lies!

You want something solid and real

Not plastic and fake. 

There is no room for games.

This is the world it’s harsh I know, but still its home! 

Your imagination plays no part in this life!

There is no time to daydream.

This is the world! Where you fight and claw

Your way to everything! Where people

Work in set patterns day by day.

And the tall tales of your childhood should

Be replace with logic and facts.

Like sheets of documents.

This is the world!

But still it is home….

Can you really love me…?

Can I make a stand?

With no helping hand

Am I really on my own

Am I really forgotten and alone

All night I moan

Over all I have lost

I thought is was worth the cost

But it was proven to me

That all I have done and seen

Are just a passing dream

I thought my plan was perfect

But it was a scheme against me

I neglect the pain inside

I run and I try to hide

Your arms spread across wide

You try to show me

That you’re by my side

But every time you are denied

And I do see your love and your grace

But my past says I’m a disgrace

Can I really be loved with this fear?

And yet you say you are here!

With all that I have done

With all that I have said

Can you really love me…? 

Dream again

All shattered. Feeling a little worthless.

Hope once in abundance has all scattered.

Emotions flooding through their skulls.

Can’t see the difference between happiness and joy.

Is this the end for us? Should we dig our graves alone?

Born in a world that’s torn.

Certain people find real joy.

They keep it shut deep inside their soul.

It’s the best kept secret.

Life is fleeting and we’re stuck moping.

Reality strikes hard and slower each time.

Take courage to dream again!

We know deep down we need to believe.

Drag your weary, sorry bones.

Casting all fear take courage to dream again!

Gazing over the comments of outsiders.

Tears growing in our sockets.

Do you really want to kick the bucket?

Take courage to dream again!

Our time here is short.

People out there are lost.

You were one of them before.

Their dreams are wasting faster then us.

Take courage to dream again!

That’s what they need to hear….

April Fool’s

The stars are in the morning sky

Birds walk and fish fly

And the happy ducks shy away

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way

Look the sun is green

My room is actually clean

My favorite dish taste like soybean

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way

Maybe I said something wrong

Maybe I’ve been out in the sun too long

An ant is all of sudden strong

This as gone too far

My soda bottle is now a jar

People smoke straws like cigars

My dad is driving a cat like a car

I CAN’T GO ON

Why is this upon me?

What’s up with today?

Nothing is going the right way.

I run home hoping maybe it’s still the same

I rush inside praying this is the end of the game

My family screams “Happy April Fool’s Day!”

Oh how I’m filled with shame

Now I know what’s up with today

Now I know why nothing is going the right way

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Right Now.

Right now, I don’t wanna close my eyes.

Because then you might leave me.

Right now, I just want to feel your heart

Beat against my chest.

Forget that I was ever upset.

Take a moment and stay with me.

You make the howling fears fade away.

Right now, I want you to hold me tighter.

Then maybe my fright will leave.

Right now, I don’t wanna let you go.

Keep me company.

My mind stands still when you’re near.

Right now, the time ticks 12 o’clock.

I don’t wanna leave.

Right now, I dare not shut my eyes.

Because when I do I might just be alone.

Reality seeks desperately for me.

But right now, you’re the only

Thing that’s real to me.

Hope is made

Time will also fade

Life will not stay the same

Love is just a game

But hope will be made

Dreams are crushed away

Laughter is forever gone

Understanding will be entirely done

But hope will be found my way

Though life seems black and dim

Give me a chance

My body is weak and limp

Give me more than just a glance

Hope will be made

Hope is still here

Hope is everywhere

So I take heart

And I will not part

Dreams will come back

Laughter will no longer be lacked

Love is in your future

Never give in

My Old Friend

Hello, Darkness my old friend.

Remember how I hid with you when

My pains seemed like they would never end?

When my growing fears never cease?

I cringe tight with you because I was alone

You brought me release.

With you, I felt nothing, a sense of peace.

Life couldn’t touch us. Its problems couldn’t find us.

Together, we gave each other comfort.

With you, I didn’t have to put any effort.

Because you were my secret fort. 

Like a tower of refuge high above.

Darkness, my old friend, you kept love from hurting me.

Discarded my emotions to the holes of my heart

But we broke apart.

I came out, can’t you tell? You were no friend.

You were a cell.

Try to Understand

Hiding behind a smile

I am staring into fate with doubt

Cringing in a corner

Fearing that twill come time shadows

Overlooking thine strong hand thither shall lead

Dust tarry betwixt hither and yonder

Wherefore pains still haunt my slumber

Nary will I rest! Nary!

Whence comest thou? I beseech!

Yore, the world of peace overmany moons

Anon foul destiny drags me below

Shalt I die if I flee from it?

Old goot thou art! Slay me!

I lost my will to care anymore.

Henceforth ye scorns my dreams

Wherefore?

(okay so this last poem may be hard to understand, but you can try. I mean it's old English or anything. It's middle English, so you shouldn't have such a hard time) 

I <3 GOD!!  ^_^