Going Back

I wrote this a long time ago, while reminiscing, I decided to jot down what I was feeling, thinking and so on. 

Whoever is reading this, please take note, the pain is gone, but I still want to go back.

(Please forgive me for any grammatical errors)

Go Back

I want to go back in time, relive the laughter so I can forget my current pain. So I can recall my smile and not my tears. Early mornings in the beach. I'll even relive the boring days. Sleeping in on Saturday, watching hours of cartoons. I'll relive those quite moments in worship, when I felt so broken. Being with a friend just watching old movies. Going over her place just to say hello. I'll go back deep in to past dreams, even the scary ones. Flying across open fields, stealing a car, super powers. I want to go back to those day were things were simple, going to the gym, do school, finish school, play outside. I'll be in church meetings from long ago, old parties, last year events, month old jokes. I want to go back and do the same thing all over again. Going skating with a close friend, sitting next to her. I want to go back and play board games with old friends. Re-meet my current friends, connect all over again. I long to be in those days were I was alone, riding my bike, playing video games, jogging, breathing cold crisp air. Even the small things. Getting lost inside a park, texting a friend states away. To be with my friends and play soccer. Hang out and play tennis with dad. To feel my heart pound when with a friend, who always makes me smile, hugging tight because she means a lot to me. I'll imagine myself back in old holidays of years ago, pumpkin pie of Thanksgiving, ripping Christmas gifts. Hot summer days in cold water, losing my ear plugs then my friends help me find them.

I want to go back in time, but I don't want to be there forever because then I'll never have the chance to make new memories. My life has just begun. I still have room for more moments with friends. I'll wait for it. That way, later on, I'll have more to go back to...

Okay, this is a report that I made, back when I was taking nutrition classes in my college campus, of which I am attending. It is all about eating healthy during pregnancy.

Eating Healthy During Pregnancy

There’s a journey most wives, if not all, endeavor during their years of marriage. This journey is like no other, for it encompasses a great deal of stress, confusion, anticipation, questions, and pain. However, this journey also entails wonder, joy, excitement, and new life. This journey takes only nine months to complete, but the end outcome will affect both the wife and the husband for a lifetime. The journey is known as pregnancy and should not be taken lightly. Much preparation must be included as there are a pile of questions that soon-to-be mothers must know the answers to, but never do. One of the questions are: How can I eat healthy during pregnancy?
A soon-to-be mother’s diet should mainly consist of whole grains (bread, cereals, brown rice) , whole fruits (peaches, apples, pears amongst a few others. Exclude oranges pineapples, lemons and limes because acidic foods may cause heartburn) vegetables (leafy greens, mushrooms, eggplant) lean proteins from plant and animals (beans, seeds, turkey, fish) low-fat dairy, and healthful fats (extra-virgin olive oil and avocado) Note: If one does not like avocado or olive oil, simply consume a fatty fish like salmon at least twice a week. It is very important to avoid as much as possible the following foods (unless you have one of those strange, unexpected, instantaneous cravings): extra sugary foods, soda of any kind, and fried foods like french fries. Having a well-balance nutritional filled diet is one of the key components in order for a future mother to give birth to a healthy baby.
However, the question is only half answered. There are some nutrients that a pregnant woman need to consume more of during the nine months and after. The following nutrients are: folic acid, iron and calcium (calcium is the nutrient that needs to be taken consistently even after giving birth). Folic acid reduces the risk for birth defects, especially defects that occur in the spinal cord. Soon-to-be mothers need at least 400-600 micrograms per day. Consuming 27 milligrams of iron each day can help reduce the risk for anemia. Finally, childbearing women should take 1,000 milligrams of calcium a day, as this helps the baby’s teeth, bones, and heart just to name a few. One may consider taking supplements to help ensure the intake of all these nutrients, but that sort of decision must be first consulted with the person’s physician.
Eating healthy is important in any stage of life, but may be most crucial during the nine months of pregnancy. It will be also very wise for the future mother to keep in practice these healthy eating habits, as it will help her child to eat right too. This type of journey does end right after giving birth, it expands and changes into the adventure of being a mother.

Poor Sandy Poor Sandy

Poor Sandy Poor Sandy

by: harcyMill

     In a gloomy grey hospital on the second floor in the South hallway in room 213, the first bed you would see is surrounded with plenty of balloons and cards full of "get well soon", "we miss you" and "we love you". Little mementos of glee and on the center of the bed, a big stuffed teddy bear holding a bright red heart that reads, "with love". However, turn your gaze to the second bed in the room, it has no teddy bear, no balloons, no cards of any kind. The bed is plain and bare.

     That particular bed was currently being inhabited by Mr. Linking. Mr. Linking was a curious man. Curious as is in strange. Most of the time, he possessed a bitter attitude toward everyone, for reasons unknown. But out of the blue, now and then, he would smile and that smile would be the highlight of any nurse's day. Sad to say, they didn't know he was still bitter inside.

     Mr. Linking seems to prefer to not have attention, he is very to himself. The nurses have tried to make small talk, but Mr. Linking despising conversation, always says, "Quit the small talking!" even when he was smiling. Mr. Linking's wife, Sandy resembles her husband a little, but she is more open. Many of the nurse would agree that she was once a very happy person. Maybe this ordeal took away her joy, but not all of it. She still had hope, at least just enough to end the day with, and then restock by breakfast. 

     The chemistry between them is limited some might say. They can't really kiss, that would require Mr. Linking to sit up straight and everyone knows his excuse, "Shut up, boy, I'm 87. I should have been dead by 84, but no, so back off!" What a wonderfully lame reason. Despite his ghastly temper, every Tuesday, you will find Sandy with Mr. Linking together. It's either Sandy reading a book and Mr. Linking sleeping or the other way around.

     The first bed, smothered with ornaments expressing love, belongs to Danny Hews for the time being. Danny Hews in a word: chatterbox. He never stops talking. He always has to tell a joke every ten minutes. He hums this little tune, louder than necessary, all the time. The first time you meet him, he's a great, funny guy. Second time, he's kind of loud. Third time, plain out annoying. Most of the nurses are convinced that the only reason he talks non-stop is to get attention. This tends to be consistently true. 

     Today was a special day indeed. Mr. Linking was leaving, not to another hospital, but he was really leaving. He would be going home.

    "Hey! Linking, you lucky dog, you! Leaving super early and stuff. And you even sit right!" said Danny in a booming voice. Although the sitting upright part was not true at all.

     "Yes. It's been... long over due," replied Sandy letting out a sigh of relief, "But not so loud, Danny. Mr. Linking is still sleeping.

     "Oh, hey, that reminds me of a joke. Okay, so what did the eye doctor say to the foot ball? No, wait that's not how it goes...that's right it was a golf ball... or maybe it was a foot doctor."

     "Well, which one is it?" asked Sandy, even though Danny said this joke six times already. Maybe she was just trying to be polite, or perhaps she was too shy to interrupt.

     "It was a dentist or...something like that." answered Danny with his head lowered, embarrassed that he had forgotten. Things went silent. The kind of uneasy, tense silents. Something didn't feel right. It was a happy occasion was it not? Tonight, instead of Mr. Linking going to bed in a hospital, he would go to bed in his house. Sandy was very grateful indeed. The doctors told her last night, they felt confident enough to send Mr. Linking home at last. So many days in the same room, seeing the same people walk in and out over and over. Months of checking in hospitals and checking out. Maybe this time this will be Mr. Linking's final stop. Sandy was counting on that.

     Life wasn't always like this for Mr. Linking. It just that his heart got too weak to support his body. No one knows what caused his heart to become so feeble. He never smoked. He was a heavy drinker, but he had been sober for 23 years. That's a long time for anyone. No high blood pressure, who knows.

     "Sandy, I heard the good news!" Sandy twist her head round and instantly smiled. It was one of her friends of the book club.

     "Doris, yes it's good news isn't?"

     "Why is Mr. Linking asleep? You two should celebrating!" said Doris with an excited voice.

     "Shh. Not so loud. We will, maybe tomorrow night."

     "Hey Sandy! Better introduce me!" That was Danny being loud again.

     "Sorry. Danny this is Doris. Doris this is Danny."

     "You poor thing, how long before your leg is better? Danny was in the hospital because of a broken leg.

     "Won't be long now. I'll be out in one week." said Danny with a triumphant grin. They talked on and on about all sorts of things. First it was about common subjects, the weather, daily news. The topics changed into sports, ping-pong, rugby just to name a few. They even discuss knitting and cooking. Their conversation lasted for quite some time. It took Doris a good 15 minutes just to say her farewells.

     "I really must be going. We must have been talking for well over an hour. What confuses me, is that Mr. Linking is still sleeping," Doris waited for someone to say something, but no one said a word, not even Danny, "Well, don't you think it's rather odd?"

    "I think he is just tired, that's all." answered Sandy softly. 

    "I'm not so sure...well, good-bye, I'll see you Thursday, Sandy."

     Sandy looked at Mr. Linking still asleep. He didn't even make his usual snore noises. Ever since breakfast which he had finished by 7:30 in the morning, it was no 12:05. His chest was still going up and down, just making sure he's breathing. Sandy didn't wanted to seem worried, but she was. By this time, he would want to see his show then after that, eat his usual sandwich for lunch. No mayo, ham, lettuce, tomato and provolone on wheat. He prefers mustard. Ewww. Who cares what he eats? Sleeping this long is not normal, right? Sand was no doctor, for heaven's sake she was retired, but she couldn't shake this feeling.

     Finally, a nurse came into the room, but just to pick up a file, Sandy informed the nurse on everything. The nurse said that there's nothing wrong with an extra long nap. Even his heart monitor read normal levels. But Sandy insisted to the nurse, that the doctor should come right away. The nurse gave a sigh and said, she'll what she can do about it.

     30 minutes gone by, no T.V show, no lunch and no doctor. Sandy gazed at Mr. Linking with a small sense of relief, maybe she was over reacting. Then suddenly, with horror in her eyes she saw Mr. Linking turn all at once pale as white as the walls of the hospital. Danny wouldn't notice he had fallen into a deep slumber. Mr. Linking looked so pale, almost transparent, but if that wasn't enough, purple veins started to appear on his face, his arms, his hands, his legs, everywhere. Sandy didn't know what to do. The purple veins began to grow darker and darker, until they were black, then they started to bulge outward. It was most disgusting.

     Sandy's mouth was hanging wide open, she could not believe her eyes. Then, she realized that Danny was going through the exact same thing! He too was covered with purple, bulging veins. Sandy was terrified. Before she could shed a tear, she saw Mr.Linking's hear monitor go crazy, he was shaking uncontrollably, like he was having a convulsion. It was 50 the 55, hen it jumped to 67, went to down 42 leaped to 85, 100, then sunk to 12, 49, 32, 66, 89, over and over. It would not relent! Sandy didn't want to wait another second doctor or no doctor, she was going to do something, but she couldn't even find the courage to even move her feet!
     Then with horror in her eyes she gazed upon her hands, how they were went extremely pale, and cold. Seconds after, purple veins started to appear growing on her hand and on her face, her legs collapse on her, she tumbled over like a house of cards. The veins darkened and they began to bulge out. She clasp her hands over her face, she could feel the bulges pulsing, it was a horrific feeling.
     Her heart started pounding uncontrollably. Her body was shaking left and right. She couldn't see anything, all she was able to see were strange reoccurring shapes of purple veins. Her mouth started to foam and in the midst of all of this, she heard a voice saying, "Sandy, Sandy wake up. Wake up, Sandy!"
     In a flash, she opened her eyes and saw her regular nurse, holding onto her shoulder tightly, "You were having another nightmare."
     A dream? It felt so real...
     "Mr. Linking, he's...he died....dead!" sobbed Sandy with relentless bitter tears.
     "Oh, dear, Dr. Hews, she's talking about that Mr. Linking guy again." said the nurse aloud.
     Then a doctor entered the room with name on his right side chest that read: Dr. Danny Hews.
     "That's not good. Okay," he began releasing a big sigh, "Just giver more medication tomorrow."
     "Yes, doctor." replied the nurse, her name tag read Doris, "When will she accept the fact that there is no Mr. Linking, there never was?"
     Where was Sandy? Mentally, she was ensnared with visions of this man known as "Mr.Linking". Physically, she was trapped in an asylum, she has been for five long years and counting. With no possible way for to escape. Poor Sandy. Poor Sandy.

The End

L.T: Life Training.

Okay, okay I know it's been a really long time since my last post, but I have a bad habit of forgetfulness. I will try my best to be more consistent. Anyway, last night I just came back from a conference called L.T, which stands for: Life Training, hence the title of this post. The conference was in North Carolina, and it was really great! It was a whole week of invigorating worship, intense studying of the Bible and loads of fun. I would recommend it to every Christian. I learned a lot. In fact this post is going to be all about what I learned in L.T.

   On the first day of the conference, my twin sister told me that she always spends the first few moments of her day praying to God, telling him her concerns and stuff, but ultimately she would give her day over to God. I thought to myself, "wow, why don't I do that? I never do anything like that." I have been struggling for the longest time giving my plans over to God. I know his ways are higher than my ways and so are his thoughts higher than my thoughts, but I still felt scared to give them to God. I didn't want to let go, but I knew deep down inside this was just holding me down from ever being my absolute best for God. So, I decided to pray too, I decided to give the entire day to God, which was I something I've never done. But on that day I gave it to God. Then I remembered the verse Jeremiah 29:11 (a really good verse, actually a promise from God.) I went up to my room because I wanted to look up the verse, but when I opened the Bible the first verse I saw was Proverbs 3: 5-6, when I read that verse, I realized that I have been leaning on my understanding for far too long, I haven't trusting the Lord with my whole heart, not even half of my heart. I've read that verse several times before, but this was the very first time that it actually impacted, that I actually felt that God was telling me to submit to him, if I do, he would make my paths straight. I gave the ENTIRE day to God, which is something I should do everyday. And the rest of day went really well.
   The next day came around and I gave the day to God again, but this I told him to take me out of comfort zone, which I is something I am terrified of doing, but that's what I knew would help get closer to God. Sure enough God took me out of my comfort zone. On that day everyone went out sharing the gospel in the beach. I'm not good at giving the gospel. I was partnered up with Debbie, a very good friend of mine. The person we talked to, didn't believe in the Bible at all, she felt that there was no God that had plan for her, she felt that every decision in her life was for her own pleasures and stuff. Debbie tried to understand her and also tried to explain the gift of Salvation how Jesus died on the cross to pay for ALL our sins, even the one we have yet to commit. She tried to explain that God had plan for her full of hope and love. But this woman was really stubborn. Finally, Debbie was going to say good-bye, but then she asked, "Do you have anything you want to say?" and throughout the entire time that Debbie was talking I kept on feeling a kind of tug that this woman needed to hear my testimony. Because the woman had said why would God love her and have plans for me, which was something I have felt many times before. So I instantly took that moment I shared my testimony. Tears came down and everything. When I had finished, the woman still didn't get it, but that didn't matter, I could tell that I had reached a part of her with my testimony. She said to me, "your story is really inspirational, and I'm really glad that God has helped you so much, but I just don't believe that." To which I said, "That's okay. I planted a seed in you and it will grow." She looked at me weirdly, but I could tell I reached a part of her. After we had left the woman, I felt so happy because I had planted seed an actual seed! On that same night, during worship, I gave up something over to God, something I never thought I could. My feelings of guilt and my of feeling uselessness and feeling unworthy of God's love. ALL LIES FROM SATAN!
   I felt useless because a long time ago my twin sister was going through a really hard time, deep emotional pain and I no way to relate to what she was feeling, I had no idea how to comfort her. I just couldn't help her, she went to me for help and for support that I could never give. She would cry almost every night and I could never stop the tears. It was hell. I remember thinking to myself, "What am I doing? If I can't help her, why am I even here?" I felt so terribly useless, and if I couldn't be useful, how am I worth any value? So when I felt useless, I also felt worthless. Because of that I went full out on my exercise, on restricting what I ate. That's when my anorexia really took a hold of me and began to drag me down. For like over a year a so I kept on feeling useless, useless, useless! Worthless, worthless, and worthless! I knew those were lies, but that's how felt and before I could stop it I believed those lies those lies to be true. Well, finally after months of recovery from anorexia, something hit me, I was a fool to believe those lies, I was nothing but a stubborn fool. That's I began to feel horribly guilty. All day long just guilt and guilt. Whenever I felt guilty I knew that I was wrong, but I couldn't shake those feelings. Also I was still struggling with feeling useless and worthless whenever I felt like, I felt guilty for believing those lies. It was horrible, continuous cycle. BUT at long last on that night of worship at L.T I cried my head off to God. Sick and tired of those lies dragging me down. I gave them to God. Nevertheless, Satan will come back and try to push me down again and again, but I will push back each time. Therefore, I must keep telling myself, "I am not useless, I am worthy, I am worthy of God's love for me."

P.S: Tom Short, one the of speakers at L.T, is totally amazing. Truly a man after God's heart.

Feeling pressured

I could remember a time in my anorexic journey, where things got really stressful and complicated and I was really scared that I was falling back into anorexia all over again. It was in the summer of 2011. I started to fall into the same cycle, the same cycle that sent me to the hospital. To this day, I'm not really so sure how I began to go backwards instead of forward. My mom began to freak out as well, she would constantly be cautiously watching me. My mom and I started to argue with each other more and more. She would say to me increasingly, "You going back downhill" "You're not thinking" "Aren't you scared of going back?" so on and so on. I got so mad at her for doing that. Of course I was scared, but at the same time I thought I could handle it. I wanted to get better, I really did, but at the same I scared of getting better. I know that sounds totally messed up. But people should know that the logic inside the mind of an anorexic is very unstable. Many anorexics want to get better, but at the very same time, they don't want to get better. Mainly because in order for them to get better, they have to gain weight, until they reach a healthy weight for their height and stuff. However, they are so highly convinced on the idea that gaining weight is just getting fat. You may call it silly or stupid, maybe even unrealistic. You can say, "It's just a cupcake what's the big deal??" you can say that all you want, but get it through your head, to an anorexic a cupcake is dangerous, even deadly. And no, that wouldn't be an exaggeration. Anyway, I started to lose weight over the summer, from 120 to 118 to 116 to 114, but most of the time I was 115. With every weigh-in that came, I just couldn't gain the weight. I just stayed the same. And I knew what I had to do, I knew how to do it, but I couldn't. Because secretly inside I liked the feeling of being underweight, of being thin and skinny, small. Even though I was thin in an unhealthy way. I knew that what I was doing to myself wasn't good for my body, but it made me feel good. That also sounds really messed up, but many people know that smoking can kill them, but they keep on smoking only because they like it. Well, it's sort of the same concept here. Next thing I knew, I began to exercise in secret, trying my very best not to let my parents ever know. Every time, I weighed myself, it would always be 115, and I would say to myself, "Raquel you need to stop this." But there was another voice inside of me saying, "Why? I feel fine." I didn't know how to explain myself, or my actions to my parents.
They best way I can illustrate it, even to this day is like this: Picture an over-sized hammer full of expectations, goals, fears, desires, dreams, values and other things. And this hammer is pounding down on small, little, weak nail. I was the nail. I hope this illustration explains how I felt back then. I really felt pressured by everybody, including myself. 

Sessions

By: harcyMill

           

            “She was born with the name Katelyn, she was full of energy. Not at all scared of heights of bugs or the dark, she pretended to be a pirate, sailing the seven seas. It was if she lived for adventure. Over the years, shy pretty much stayed that way, until she was 10 years old. Her mom was killed. Police suspect that she was robbed and when she fought back, the robber shot her. Poor little girl, she was devastated,” said a woman, trying to hold back the tears.

            “Yes, okay. Why are you crying, I thought you said you were done with Katelyn, Jessica?” asked a man, dressed in a brown suit with elbow padding. The man was holding a note pad and a black pen, taking several notes.

            “Well, Dr.Weber, I feel terribly sorry for Katelyn. Why, for a little kid to go through such pain, it’s not right,” said Jessica, tapping her finger rapidly on her knees, “How much time do we have left?”

Dr. Weber looked at his enormous grand father clock and said, “About 12 minutes. Please continue.”

“That’s it. Katelyn vanished, never to be seen again. Tragic story, yes.”

“What happened to her? And of her father?” asked Dr. Weber, trying to appear not too perplexed.

“Her father drank his sorrows away and became a no good of a parent. Social services took Katelyn away and the father didn’t do anything,” replied Jessica with a faint hint of anger, too small for Dr. Weber to notice.

“Go on.”

“Social service put Katelyn in foster care and within two weeks, Katelyn had a new family. A very wealthy family.”

 “Yes, but then this would mean that Katelyn never vanished,” concluded Dr. Weber as he flipped a page from his note pad.

“I’m not finished. Katelyn’s new parents wanted to make little Katelyn the happiest, so they told her that whatever she wanted, whether a horse or stuffed toy, they’ll get it just for her. Katelyn asked for her name to be changed, she wanted to change her name.”

“Katelyn was only 10, why would she want to do something like that?” asked the doctor, with his eyebrows squeezed together, in confusion.

“With a new name, a new family, a new house, she could create a new life and throw away the past. Katelyn vanished.”

“Mmm…yes, I see,” replied Dr. Weber, swiftly writing on his note pad, “Well, I think we covered enough for one day, I’ll see you Tuesday, three p.m. is that okay, Jessica?”

“Perfect. Thank you very much Dr. Weber,” said Jessica, while picking up her gray coat, her black brief case and quietly left Dr. Weber’s office.

Dr. Weber was all alone in his oak wood office, with his scarlet carpeting, with his thoughts collecting. He walked toward his desk and pulled out a small tape recorder and began to speak into it, “Today, Friday, the 13^th, four p.m. the month of August. I just ended the 2^nd session with my newest patient, Jessica K. Foster. I find her to be very perplexing. She speaks of Katelyn in the third person constantly. This case fascinates me a great deal. I must take another look at her profiles. The sooner the better,” Dr. Weber put down the tape recorder and called his secretary, Miss Castle, “Miss Castle, give me the profile on my newest patient, Jessica-“

“Jessica K. Foster?” asked Miss Castle, walking into his office, finishing his sentence.

“How did you know? Have you been reading my patients’ profiles again? Well?”

“Well…,” said Miss Castle, nervously biting her lips, “Well, Jessica is a nut case. I think it is useless talking to her. She changed her name like at least four times. Her first name was Katelyn, then she switched to Irene, then she-” Miss Castle was cut off.

“Yes, I’m aware, with every traumatic experience, she creates a new person for herself. The real question is, why does she talk about her past names in the third person?

Almost as if they were two different people.” said Dr. Weber pacing back and forth.

            “Yea, there’s a name for those kinds of people, that’s right, psychopath!” replied Miss Castle coldly.

            “Enough already. I know that Jessica’s original self was Katelyn…perhaps this is a case of split personality,” concluded Dr. Weber.

            “Would you care to hear my opinion?” asked Miss Castle.

            “I must leave and conduct research. Jessica might just be a text book case. Anyway, I’m seeing her Tuesday make sure I have no interruptions,” ordered Dr. Weber leaving his office, carrying is note pad and pen.

            “Text book case?” murmured Miss Caste to herself.

Session 3

            “So, Katelyn has disappeared. She becomes a new person, of course that is just and expression, I’m sure,” said Dr. Weber talking to Jessica.

            “Far from it Dr. Weber,” replied Jessica, “Everything was new, so the old could leave. Katelyn left completely. A new girl joined the family. Her name was Irene.”

            “Very well, tell me what was Irene like? Tell me some things about her,” asked Dr. Weber writing vigorously on the note pad.

            “Irene was a very quite 11-year old girl, mostly keeping her head down because she would be constantly reading books. She didn’t enjoy little kid fables, instead she preferred Edgar Allen Poe, and encyclopedias. A smart girl she was.”

            “I’m impressed. A little girl like that reading at such a high level. Did she have any friends?” asked Dr. Weber, taking his eyes off of his note pad, for a brief moment.

            “Only one, but she was Irene’s bestest friend. Her name was Lucy, the daughter of the family’s butler. Together they would recite lines from Shakespeare. They were the closet of friends, indeed,” said Jessica, with a small smile. Her eyes stared at the floor, as if she was in some sort of daze, remembering the past. However, she quickly shook her head and regained focus.

            “Are you feeling well? You looked like you in a daze just now.”

            “I’m perfectly fine…how much time do we have?”

            “Plenty please continue. Did Irene and Lucy stay close?” When Dr. Weber asked that question, Jessica’s smile faded and her eyes began to flare.

            “No they did not. One day, the family was having a bonfire in their backyard; they would do this every 4^th of July. Lucy and Irene wanted to help lit it on fire, but their parents would not let them. Irene wasn’t bothered by it, but Lucy was enraged. Lucy convinced Irene into believing that they could make a bonfire bigger than the parents. Irene didn’t see any harm so she agreed with Lucy. So, together in secrecy, they set up their own bonfire, bigger than their parents’ bonfire, alone in the library. Lucy was able steal from the parents’ kitchen vegetable oil, since the parents used up most of the matches,” Jessica was remembering every little detail leaving out no holes whatsoever, “She told Irene to pour the oil and light it up using the one match they had.”

            “Oh my, what did Irene do?” asked Dr. Weber with his widened eyes.

            “Irene refused, but Lucy said that if she didn’t do it, they wouldn’t be friends anymore. Lucy was persisted and manipulative and forceful. Finally, Irene lit the bonfire. For a brief moment nothing happened, and then the fire began to spread. It was spreading too fast to stop it. Lucy and Irene got separated in the commotion. All the parents rushed inside to save them, but their efforts came short. The whole house was destroyed. The Only survivor the firefighters could find was Irene hiding in the cellar,” Jessica’s voice was shaky, “Just when Irene was calling the house a home, just when she was ready to call her parents mom and dad, the house burned to a crisp.” While Jessica’s voice was shaky, her eyes flared with anger and hate.

            “Jessica, are you alright?”

            “Lucy tricked Irene. Lucy took advantage of Irene and the worst part is, it wasn’t the first time that Lucy used Irene. Lucy always had the upper hand. It wasn’t Irene’s fault! Irene just wanted to be accepted!” Jessica began to raise her voice.

            “But it was Irene, who lit the bonfire. It was Irene who gave into Lucy,” said Dr. Weber rather coldly.

            “No!” shouted Jessica, “she didn’t mean harm. Irene just wanted to fit in. She didn’t know what would happen. It wasn’t my fault!” sobbed Jessica loudly. Dr. Weber eyes grew open and wide in shock.

            “Your fault? Irene?” asked Dr. Weber thinking that Jessica really had split personality. Jessica quickly realized she used “my” instead of “Irene”. She nervously changed her sitting position and said, “Irene isn’t responsible.” Without another word she left, “I’ll see you Friday, same time.”

            Dr. Weber was very confused. This case boggled his mind. What a magnificent text book case Jessica would make. He was fascinated with Jessica’s complex mind. Then, his secretary walked in.

            “Well, did it work? Was it split personality? What happened?” asked Miss Castle.

            “I don’t think so. If it was, Jessica would have relapses in her memory, forgetting what she did in certain hours of the day, but Jessica remembers everything in the fullest of detail. The only problem is Jessica speaks of her own past as if she was talking about a different person and not of herself.”

            “A real psycho, you mean,” concluded Miss Castle.

            “That’s it! Jessica is in total denial! What a marvelous text book case!” exclaimed Dr. Weber full of glee, “I must see her Friday no matter what.”

            “Why do you call her a text book case and why are you happy about that?” asked Miss Castle, feeling a tad bit sorry for Jessica K. Foster.

Session 4

“Jessica, why do you change your name so often?” asked Dr. Weber.

Jessica looked surprised, “That’s a silly question to ask, Doctor.”

“How so?”

“I don’t change. I see it as more of the others, who have changed.”

“Others, as in Katelyn and Irene?”

“Yes. You see, I become new and they become old and forgotten. I become a new person, so they must be put aside,” explained Jessica confident that Dr. Weber would totally understand.

“Very well…Jessica it would appear according to my theory, you change you name, your style of cloths, your list of friends, just about everything whenever a traumatic experience happens to you. You do this in an attempt to forget the past and move forward. However, Jessica you talk about your past always in the third person, you speak as if it s another person you-”

“Dr. Weber, please stop,” pleaded Jessica biting her lip.

“Jessica you are denying everything about the past. There is one thing to forget, but denial is not at all forgetting. In fact, you are postponing the all concept of forgetting. By denying the past, Jessica you are-” again Dr. Weber was interrupted.

“Dr. Weber! You don’t know me! I am doing no such thing. I am moving on with my life, it’s necessary for the others to be discarded.”

“Fine” said Dr. Weber fed up, “Tell me who is the next girl.”

“Thank you” answered Jessica with a crooked smile, “The firefighters were going to call a foster care facility to pick up Irene. She didn’t want to go, so when they came to take her, she fled as fast as she could. She thought she could survive on her own, but she was unable. The foster care caught up with her. By the time Irene was 13 years of age, she had been in the foster care for 3 months. Finally, she was adopted by an old couple, who wanted to raise one more child before they say good bye for good.”

“Okay, fine, go on.”

“The couple was shocked to hear that Irene wanted to change her name, but they didn’t see any harm in it. Irene vanished. The couple had a new 13-year old girl, her name was Stephanie.”

“I have a cousin by that name.” commented Dr. Weber, for some obscure reason. Jessica ignored Dr. Weber’s comment by saying her next sentence faster than necessary, “Stephanie was a strong willed, determine, persistent, very competitive girl. She didn’t care for fashion or popularity, but in the school she was the most popular girl around.”

“How interesting Stephanie and Irene are total opposites, please continue.”

“Like I was saying, Stephanie was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but she was also the girl people envied the most. Stephanie had it all. She was intelligent, athletic, and very pretty. At first, she didn’t like the attention, but she grew accustom to it, she began to enjoy it and feed on it.”

“What do you mean by ‘feed on it’?” asked Dr. Weber full of curiosity.

“She craved for attention. Her parents were clueless about her fixation on being liked by other people. She was convinced that being popular was the best way to live. For 3 years she was the most popular girl.”

“What’s wrong with being will-liked?” asked Dr. Weber. Jessica sneered at him, while he wasn’t looking, for who knows what reason.

“Stephanie though was would never be alone, but all that change when a new girl came and took all of her friends away. That’s when she Stephanie came to her senses and realized she never once had any true friends. When Stephanie tried to make the new girl look like a spectacle, she failed and became the spectacle instead, a laughing stock. Stephanie hated the girl with a passion.”

“Oh dear, but wasn’t Stephanie still at least a little popular?”

Jessica scoffed at Dr. Weber, “No. She had sunken deep. One day Stephanie saw the girl climbing up the stairs, and she had the sudden urge to push her all the way down, but just when she only a few feet away, the girl lost her footing and tripped by herself. The girl fell of the stairs and broke leg, everyone in the school blamed Stephanie even her parents. The parents decide to send Stephanie to a boarding school far away. Stephanie was now seen as a rebellious freak, she was sent away.”

“That’s terrible. How did Stephanie take it?”

“She felt abandon, forgotten, like a piece of trash being thrown away,” replied Jessica with glassy stare in her eyes.

“Oh my word how dreadful let me guess, Stephanie instead of fighting back, instead of making the best of her situation, she instead vanishes away and new girl comes into play,” said Dr. Weber bluntly. Jessica glared at Dr. Weber with anger.

“What do you mean by that?” snarled Jessica trying to contain herself.

“Stop being in denial, stop running away. The whole point of living is to overcome trials and move one,” persisted Dr. Weber.

“I did move one. You don’t know what was it like for Katelyn, Irene, Stephanie, you never met them!”

“Jessica, they are you! All this time, you were creating a new person, all this time never once have you ever made anything better. They were always you!” Jessica did not bother to answer; she stormed out of the office.

Session 7

            Dr. Weber was sitting alone in his office looking up the files of Jessica K. Forster. He was still very much puzzled with the mind of Jessica. He was fascinated with her other names and the way she would create herself a new body. What a great textbook case she would have been he thought to himself.

            “Dr. Weber, she’s not coming, this is the third session in a row,” said Miss Castle.

            “Yes, so it is. Jessica has vanished. She no longer exits. A new girl has been born no doubt. She goes by a different name, different house, friends job, maybe.”

            “Dr. Weber, don’t be hard on your self.”

            “I have never had a patient like her. Was it multiple split personalities or was she in denial, or could it have been something else entirely. Could she have stayed longer, I could have helped greatly. She was one the best text book cases I’ve seen.”

            “A text book case? Was that all you saw in her?” asked Miss Castle with a little hint of anger, “Insane or not, Jessica was and is still a person.” Dr. Weber found it rather strange to hear Miss Castel defending Jessica.

            “What done is done. Whoever she is now, Jessica K. Forster is probably gone. I will have to move on,” replied Dr. Weber in a low serious voice.

            And it was just as Dr. Weber said. Jessica while driving home from her last session had a brush with death and decided that a new life was long over due, but maybe the words of Dr. Weber will speak to her. Maybe this time she won’t change. She might stay as Jessica Katelyn Forster. There are many possibilities in life.

            “She could be anywhere, anyone,” concluded Dr. Weber.

            “In any case, I still say she was psychopath,” said Miss Castle leaving Dr. Weber’s office.

            As Miss Castle quietly left Dr. Weber’s office, perhaps Jessica was still herself; perhaps she was facing the realities with her past. Dr. Weber stared out into the distance and for the very first time in his life, he felt a feeling of failure, he never felt before. Who knows what Jessica could be doing; this was the first time ever that he felt a sort of guilty feeling that he could have done more. Where was Jessica? Who could she possibly be now? What if Jessica was just another name for the woman to become?

The End

  

More details of summer 2010

Okay! So last time I posted, I posted my research paper on Anorexia, which got an A-. A good grade if I say so myself. Also, a few posts ago, I talked about my summer of 2010. Let me see if I can remember a few more details...

Well, I remember in 4th of July my church planned this big celebration and stuff. End the meeting early go out and watch a firework show then, go out for ice cream. And before that happened, one of my mom's friends invited us over to their house for a big party with LOTS of food. (Okay, I'm not a fan of anything that has been deep-fried, I do not like sour candy, I hate lollipops, I despise popcorn, I'm not very much into french fries or chips, cheese cake I don't find it really at all enjoyable. I'm listing just the basics of what I don't like.) However, my one weakness is baked goods. Cake, muffins, cookies, fudge, pie, croissants and much more, now those things I like, and I get carried away. It's very important for everyone to find a sense of balance, to properly portion their meals. Very important!! 
But back to the story. So, needless to say, I got carried away, but a few hours went by and my stomach got over the queasy stage, I began to feel normal. So after the firework show I went out for ice cream and I didn't get some simple ice cream cone, no. I got something pretty big. (Ice cream, the one junk food that I will never stop liking. You can take way all the other junk foods, no problem, but DON"T take away ice cream!) My favorite brand of ice cream is Publix brand. Recently, however, I am finding that low fat frozen yogurt taste way better than ice cream. I think it has something to do with the texture.
Believe it or not, but the day after 4th of July, I had a weigh- in and I thought for sure that I would ace the thing, but instead I was underweight by one pound and of course, the doctors were concern. I just couldn't help but think, "I hate sooo much yesterday and I'm still underweight, wow." I don't know if a lot of people know this or not, but it takes 3200-3500 calories to gain 1 pound. I'm pretty sure it was 3200, but at the same time, it could be more. In any case, just look it up on Google. We live in a generation, where people have access to thousands and thousands of different pieces of information, right at their finger tips. Let me just say, that's pretty cool.
So, I was down by one pound (either one pound or two) I freaked out a little, but like at the same time I didn't worry much, because it was only one pound. So no big deal, right? Well, this time I was right. When I went back for my next weigh-in I was perfectly where I was supposed to be. It's all thanks to the fact that God has been helping through my eating disorder, ever since the beginning! ^_^