Fleeting Purity

Fleeting Purity

By: harcyMill

     Late in the night, he travels up a path and though his surroundings appear unfamiliar by shadows and solids all new, he is not lost. In this he finds comfort, for bearing memories of old can be quite helpful at times. He reaches a crossroads, but both paths seem unwelcoming, both seem crude. He no longer feels secure about the path he travels, fearing the unknown can be quite understandable. This is new, he never wandered so far away before. A thick fog emerges from distant fields, enveloping him with coldness and uncertainty. Unable to see where the two paths lead, he decides to pick neither, he proceeds to walk straight. He travels up a grassy field, as it ascends, the fog intensifies. So thick, he is unable to see any shadows or solids to guide his walk.  He knows what is behind, but is clueless to what is before him. In the depths of his mind, he is saddened by the grimness of his mundane life, for being overly traditional can be quite dull. A gust of wind rushes pass him, and the smell of the ocean fills the air, the field has now become a steep hill. With his sight no longer his companion, and hearing is fruitless in dead pastures, he relies on touch and simulations to lead him forward. As he proceeds to carry his feet a great distance, the fog finally begins to clear, his sight is restored, and he hears crashing waves beating hard against sandy shores and the rocky cliff. The rush of winds grow stronger. Before his eyes, he sees the vast, unknown ocean stretching over miles.  It would seem that he reached a dead end, his wandering ceases. No where to go, except back to his abyss of a home.  He begins to wonder, why did God cast me on this earth with strict, unyielding people? So callous, and unforgiving to my only curiosity, to the fleeting purity of a heart. If there is hope in a bright future, one should look past their existing trials. However, it is often that hope of a good future is thwarted by the cruelty of one's past, of one's repeated shortcomings. Again, he thinks, beyond me is the end, behind me is the mob of judging eyes. Why are they always so eager to strike him down and point out his flaw? His one flaw! His mind proceeds to ponder, if I take but one step forward I shall slip away and the unmerciful waters will surely crush me, that will be my end. Lacking motivation to continue life and knowing full well that no one would care if he disappears, he reaches a conclusion. He took that one step forward. His body hits the ocean, head first, he doesn't even try to swim against the waves. However, the moment he is in the water, all is calm. The wind stops, the strength of currents suddenly weaken. It would seem God above does not wish for him to perish, He grants him a second chance, some would say. Some would say that God looks to him with favor, for surviving the harshness of stormy waves. However to him, he will see it as a curse. His body is transported to the shore, a long way off from the cliff of which he chose to fall. He awakes by the light of the dawn. I live? I should have died, why can't God call me away? Everyone I know hates me, my own children look at me with scorn. For this was not his first time trying to escape, but always by chance, by nature or by the hand God, he lived. He lives and cannot die, at least not by his own hand. If only there was someone willing to take my life for me. If only I could be subjected to inescapable death. What twisted fate has given him a life of grueling surroundings? His home is where he is not loved, ever since his flesh succumbed to the soft skin of she and her friends. He makes up his mind,  if he cannot die, then he shall travel away from whence he came. I shan't return, I will find a home elsewhere, far away from all who persecute me. Early in the morning, he travels up the sandy shores along the beach and though his surroundings appear unfamiliar by shadows and solids all new, he knows where he wants to go, he is not lost.

Don't Call me Home

Just something that I dabble, a pray of my deepest desire. Whoever is reading this, take note, I have been praying this pray on and off, for years. (Please forgive me for any grammatical errors.)

Don't Call me Home

I am still yang, I still have many years to come, many goals to conquer. But I have grown old over the years and as time moves swiftly, I'll barely notice. Time rushes right past me and I foolishly take all for granted. My days are numbered, I think I'm starting to understand just how little I got. So while I still care, listen to this pray: Keep my body in tact, make it strong, agile and wise. Bless me with longevity for years to come. Give me endurance to withstand, patience to withhold. Let me stay healthy always, keep youth always in reach. Allow me to someday proudly wear the Crown of Grey Strands. Let me die of old age, let me die in my sleep, let me die knowing I have served my purpose fully. Don't call me home until I reap all that I have sown!
When I was but a child I labored seldom, I was shrouded with laughter and of innocence. But now that I've grown in more ways than one my mind is vile, my thoughts are wicked, I am passionate, determined, focused and all so distracted to the fact time is fleeting. Time is wasting away. So while I still care, please listen to this pray: Bless me with health, longevity for years to come. Keep my body strong, agile and wise. Don't let me be victimize with lies! Give me endurance to withstand, patience to withhold. Let me someday proudly wear the Crown of Grey Stands. Let me die of old age and not of shame, let me die in my sleep and not in pain, let me die knowing I have seen all I was meant to see. Don't call me home until I have finished the race. Don't call me home! Not yet, not now! Let me die of old age and not of shame, not of greed, not of mourning, let me die in my sleep, not in pain, not in fright, not in doubt, let me die knowing I have done your will.
I still have much to learn, still many lies to overcome. I am waiting for me to realize how precious a life can be. So, until then, don't call me home, don't call me home!
Let me die of old age, let me die in my sleep...

Going Back

I wrote this a long time ago, while reminiscing, I decided to jot down what I was feeling, thinking and so on. 

Whoever is reading this, please take note, the pain is gone, but I still want to go back.

(Please forgive me for any grammatical errors)

Go Back

I want to go back in time, relive the laughter so I can forget my current pain. So I can recall my smile and not my tears. Early mornings in the beach. I'll even relive the boring days. Sleeping in on Saturday, watching hours of cartoons. I'll relive those quite moments in worship, when I felt so broken. Being with a friend just watching old movies. Going over her place just to say hello. I'll go back deep in to past dreams, even the scary ones. Flying across open fields, stealing a car, super powers. I want to go back to those day were things were simple, going to the gym, do school, finish school, play outside. I'll be in church meetings from long ago, old parties, last year events, month old jokes. I want to go back and do the same thing all over again. Going skating with a close friend, sitting next to her. I want to go back and play board games with old friends. Re-meet my current friends, connect all over again. I long to be in those days were I was alone, riding my bike, playing video games, jogging, breathing cold crisp air. Even the small things. Getting lost inside a park, texting a friend states away. To be with my friends and play soccer. Hang out and play tennis with dad. To feel my heart pound when with a friend, who always makes me smile, hugging tight because she means a lot to me. I'll imagine myself back in old holidays of years ago, pumpkin pie of Thanksgiving, ripping Christmas gifts. Hot summer days in cold water, losing my ear plugs then my friends help me find them.

I want to go back in time, but I don't want to be there forever because then I'll never have the chance to make new memories. My life has just begun. I still have room for more moments with friends. I'll wait for it. That way, later on, I'll have more to go back to...

Okay, this is a report that I made, back when I was taking nutrition classes in my college campus, of which I am attending. It is all about eating healthy during pregnancy.

Eating Healthy During Pregnancy

There’s a journey most wives, if not all, endeavor during their years of marriage. This journey is like no other, for it encompasses a great deal of stress, confusion, anticipation, questions, and pain. However, this journey also entails wonder, joy, excitement, and new life. This journey takes only nine months to complete, but the end outcome will affect both the wife and the husband for a lifetime. The journey is known as pregnancy and should not be taken lightly. Much preparation must be included as there are a pile of questions that soon-to-be mothers must know the answers to, but never do. One of the questions are: How can I eat healthy during pregnancy?
A soon-to-be mother’s diet should mainly consist of whole grains (bread, cereals, brown rice) , whole fruits (peaches, apples, pears amongst a few others. Exclude oranges pineapples, lemons and limes because acidic foods may cause heartburn) vegetables (leafy greens, mushrooms, eggplant) lean proteins from plant and animals (beans, seeds, turkey, fish) low-fat dairy, and healthful fats (extra-virgin olive oil and avocado) Note: If one does not like avocado or olive oil, simply consume a fatty fish like salmon at least twice a week. It is very important to avoid as much as possible the following foods (unless you have one of those strange, unexpected, instantaneous cravings): extra sugary foods, soda of any kind, and fried foods like french fries. Having a well-balance nutritional filled diet is one of the key components in order for a future mother to give birth to a healthy baby.
However, the question is only half answered. There are some nutrients that a pregnant woman need to consume more of during the nine months and after. The following nutrients are: folic acid, iron and calcium (calcium is the nutrient that needs to be taken consistently even after giving birth). Folic acid reduces the risk for birth defects, especially defects that occur in the spinal cord. Soon-to-be mothers need at least 400-600 micrograms per day. Consuming 27 milligrams of iron each day can help reduce the risk for anemia. Finally, childbearing women should take 1,000 milligrams of calcium a day, as this helps the baby’s teeth, bones, and heart just to name a few. One may consider taking supplements to help ensure the intake of all these nutrients, but that sort of decision must be first consulted with the person’s physician.
Eating healthy is important in any stage of life, but may be most crucial during the nine months of pregnancy. It will be also very wise for the future mother to keep in practice these healthy eating habits, as it will help her child to eat right too. This type of journey does end right after giving birth, it expands and changes into the adventure of being a mother.

Poor Sandy Poor Sandy

Poor Sandy Poor Sandy

by: harcyMill

     In a gloomy grey hospital on the second floor in the South hallway in room 213, the first bed you would see is surrounded with plenty of balloons and cards full of "get well soon", "we miss you" and "we love you". Little mementos of glee and on the center of the bed, a big stuffed teddy bear holding a bright red heart that reads, "with love". However, turn your gaze to the second bed in the room, it has no teddy bear, no balloons, no cards of any kind. The bed is plain and bare.

     That particular bed was currently being inhabited by Mr. Linking. Mr. Linking was a curious man. Curious as is in strange. Most of the time, he possessed a bitter attitude toward everyone, for reasons unknown. But out of the blue, now and then, he would smile and that smile would be the highlight of any nurse's day. Sad to say, they didn't know he was still bitter inside.

     Mr. Linking seems to prefer to not have attention, he is very to himself. The nurses have tried to make small talk, but Mr. Linking despising conversation, always says, "Quit the small talking!" even when he was smiling. Mr. Linking's wife, Sandy resembles her husband a little, but she is more open. Many of the nurse would agree that she was once a very happy person. Maybe this ordeal took away her joy, but not all of it. She still had hope, at least just enough to end the day with, and then restock by breakfast. 

     The chemistry between them is limited some might say. They can't really kiss, that would require Mr. Linking to sit up straight and everyone knows his excuse, "Shut up, boy, I'm 87. I should have been dead by 84, but no, so back off!" What a wonderfully lame reason. Despite his ghastly temper, every Tuesday, you will find Sandy with Mr. Linking together. It's either Sandy reading a book and Mr. Linking sleeping or the other way around.

     The first bed, smothered with ornaments expressing love, belongs to Danny Hews for the time being. Danny Hews in a word: chatterbox. He never stops talking. He always has to tell a joke every ten minutes. He hums this little tune, louder than necessary, all the time. The first time you meet him, he's a great, funny guy. Second time, he's kind of loud. Third time, plain out annoying. Most of the nurses are convinced that the only reason he talks non-stop is to get attention. This tends to be consistently true. 

     Today was a special day indeed. Mr. Linking was leaving, not to another hospital, but he was really leaving. He would be going home.

    "Hey! Linking, you lucky dog, you! Leaving super early and stuff. And you even sit right!" said Danny in a booming voice. Although the sitting upright part was not true at all.

     "Yes. It's been... long over due," replied Sandy letting out a sigh of relief, "But not so loud, Danny. Mr. Linking is still sleeping.

     "Oh, hey, that reminds me of a joke. Okay, so what did the eye doctor say to the foot ball? No, wait that's not how it goes...that's right it was a golf ball... or maybe it was a foot doctor."

     "Well, which one is it?" asked Sandy, even though Danny said this joke six times already. Maybe she was just trying to be polite, or perhaps she was too shy to interrupt.

     "It was a dentist or...something like that." answered Danny with his head lowered, embarrassed that he had forgotten. Things went silent. The kind of uneasy, tense silents. Something didn't feel right. It was a happy occasion was it not? Tonight, instead of Mr. Linking going to bed in a hospital, he would go to bed in his house. Sandy was very grateful indeed. The doctors told her last night, they felt confident enough to send Mr. Linking home at last. So many days in the same room, seeing the same people walk in and out over and over. Months of checking in hospitals and checking out. Maybe this time this will be Mr. Linking's final stop. Sandy was counting on that.

     Life wasn't always like this for Mr. Linking. It just that his heart got too weak to support his body. No one knows what caused his heart to become so feeble. He never smoked. He was a heavy drinker, but he had been sober for 23 years. That's a long time for anyone. No high blood pressure, who knows.

     "Sandy, I heard the good news!" Sandy twist her head round and instantly smiled. It was one of her friends of the book club.

     "Doris, yes it's good news isn't?"

     "Why is Mr. Linking asleep? You two should celebrating!" said Doris with an excited voice.

     "Shh. Not so loud. We will, maybe tomorrow night."

     "Hey Sandy! Better introduce me!" That was Danny being loud again.

     "Sorry. Danny this is Doris. Doris this is Danny."

     "You poor thing, how long before your leg is better? Danny was in the hospital because of a broken leg.

     "Won't be long now. I'll be out in one week." said Danny with a triumphant grin. They talked on and on about all sorts of things. First it was about common subjects, the weather, daily news. The topics changed into sports, ping-pong, rugby just to name a few. They even discuss knitting and cooking. Their conversation lasted for quite some time. It took Doris a good 15 minutes just to say her farewells.

     "I really must be going. We must have been talking for well over an hour. What confuses me, is that Mr. Linking is still sleeping," Doris waited for someone to say something, but no one said a word, not even Danny, "Well, don't you think it's rather odd?"

    "I think he is just tired, that's all." answered Sandy softly. 

    "I'm not so sure...well, good-bye, I'll see you Thursday, Sandy."

     Sandy looked at Mr. Linking still asleep. He didn't even make his usual snore noises. Ever since breakfast which he had finished by 7:30 in the morning, it was no 12:05. His chest was still going up and down, just making sure he's breathing. Sandy didn't wanted to seem worried, but she was. By this time, he would want to see his show then after that, eat his usual sandwich for lunch. No mayo, ham, lettuce, tomato and provolone on wheat. He prefers mustard. Ewww. Who cares what he eats? Sleeping this long is not normal, right? Sand was no doctor, for heaven's sake she was retired, but she couldn't shake this feeling.

     Finally, a nurse came into the room, but just to pick up a file, Sandy informed the nurse on everything. The nurse said that there's nothing wrong with an extra long nap. Even his heart monitor read normal levels. But Sandy insisted to the nurse, that the doctor should come right away. The nurse gave a sigh and said, she'll what she can do about it.

     30 minutes gone by, no T.V show, no lunch and no doctor. Sandy gazed at Mr. Linking with a small sense of relief, maybe she was over reacting. Then suddenly, with horror in her eyes she saw Mr. Linking turn all at once pale as white as the walls of the hospital. Danny wouldn't notice he had fallen into a deep slumber. Mr. Linking looked so pale, almost transparent, but if that wasn't enough, purple veins started to appear on his face, his arms, his hands, his legs, everywhere. Sandy didn't know what to do. The purple veins began to grow darker and darker, until they were black, then they started to bulge outward. It was most disgusting.

     Sandy's mouth was hanging wide open, she could not believe her eyes. Then, she realized that Danny was going through the exact same thing! He too was covered with purple, bulging veins. Sandy was terrified. Before she could shed a tear, she saw Mr.Linking's hear monitor go crazy, he was shaking uncontrollably, like he was having a convulsion. It was 50 the 55, hen it jumped to 67, went to down 42 leaped to 85, 100, then sunk to 12, 49, 32, 66, 89, over and over. It would not relent! Sandy didn't want to wait another second doctor or no doctor, she was going to do something, but she couldn't even find the courage to even move her feet!
     Then with horror in her eyes she gazed upon her hands, how they were went extremely pale, and cold. Seconds after, purple veins started to appear growing on her hand and on her face, her legs collapse on her, she tumbled over like a house of cards. The veins darkened and they began to bulge out. She clasp her hands over her face, she could feel the bulges pulsing, it was a horrific feeling.
     Her heart started pounding uncontrollably. Her body was shaking left and right. She couldn't see anything, all she was able to see were strange reoccurring shapes of purple veins. Her mouth started to foam and in the midst of all of this, she heard a voice saying, "Sandy, Sandy wake up. Wake up, Sandy!"
     In a flash, she opened her eyes and saw her regular nurse, holding onto her shoulder tightly, "You were having another nightmare."
     A dream? It felt so real...
     "Mr. Linking, he's...he died....dead!" sobbed Sandy with relentless bitter tears.
     "Oh, dear, Dr. Hews, she's talking about that Mr. Linking guy again." said the nurse aloud.
     Then a doctor entered the room with name on his right side chest that read: Dr. Danny Hews.
     "That's not good. Okay," he began releasing a big sigh, "Just giver more medication tomorrow."
     "Yes, doctor." replied the nurse, her name tag read Doris, "When will she accept the fact that there is no Mr. Linking, there never was?"
     Where was Sandy? Mentally, she was ensnared with visions of this man known as "Mr.Linking". Physically, she was trapped in an asylum, she has been for five long years and counting. With no possible way for to escape. Poor Sandy. Poor Sandy.

The End

L.T: Life Training.

Okay, okay I know it's been a really long time since my last post, but I have a bad habit of forgetfulness. I will try my best to be more consistent. Anyway, last night I just came back from a conference called L.T, which stands for: Life Training, hence the title of this post. The conference was in North Carolina, and it was really great! It was a whole week of invigorating worship, intense studying of the Bible and loads of fun. I would recommend it to every Christian. I learned a lot. In fact this post is going to be all about what I learned in L.T.

   On the first day of the conference, my twin sister told me that she always spends the first few moments of her day praying to God, telling him her concerns and stuff, but ultimately she would give her day over to God. I thought to myself, "wow, why don't I do that? I never do anything like that." I have been struggling for the longest time giving my plans over to God. I know his ways are higher than my ways and so are his thoughts higher than my thoughts, but I still felt scared to give them to God. I didn't want to let go, but I knew deep down inside this was just holding me down from ever being my absolute best for God. So, I decided to pray too, I decided to give the entire day to God, which was I something I've never done. But on that day I gave it to God. Then I remembered the verse Jeremiah 29:11 (a really good verse, actually a promise from God.) I went up to my room because I wanted to look up the verse, but when I opened the Bible the first verse I saw was Proverbs 3: 5-6, when I read that verse, I realized that I have been leaning on my understanding for far too long, I haven't trusting the Lord with my whole heart, not even half of my heart. I've read that verse several times before, but this was the very first time that it actually impacted, that I actually felt that God was telling me to submit to him, if I do, he would make my paths straight. I gave the ENTIRE day to God, which is something I should do everyday. And the rest of day went really well.
   The next day came around and I gave the day to God again, but this I told him to take me out of comfort zone, which I is something I am terrified of doing, but that's what I knew would help get closer to God. Sure enough God took me out of my comfort zone. On that day everyone went out sharing the gospel in the beach. I'm not good at giving the gospel. I was partnered up with Debbie, a very good friend of mine. The person we talked to, didn't believe in the Bible at all, she felt that there was no God that had plan for her, she felt that every decision in her life was for her own pleasures and stuff. Debbie tried to understand her and also tried to explain the gift of Salvation how Jesus died on the cross to pay for ALL our sins, even the one we have yet to commit. She tried to explain that God had plan for her full of hope and love. But this woman was really stubborn. Finally, Debbie was going to say good-bye, but then she asked, "Do you have anything you want to say?" and throughout the entire time that Debbie was talking I kept on feeling a kind of tug that this woman needed to hear my testimony. Because the woman had said why would God love her and have plans for me, which was something I have felt many times before. So I instantly took that moment I shared my testimony. Tears came down and everything. When I had finished, the woman still didn't get it, but that didn't matter, I could tell that I had reached a part of her with my testimony. She said to me, "your story is really inspirational, and I'm really glad that God has helped you so much, but I just don't believe that." To which I said, "That's okay. I planted a seed in you and it will grow." She looked at me weirdly, but I could tell I reached a part of her. After we had left the woman, I felt so happy because I had planted seed an actual seed! On that same night, during worship, I gave up something over to God, something I never thought I could. My feelings of guilt and my of feeling uselessness and feeling unworthy of God's love. ALL LIES FROM SATAN!
   I felt useless because a long time ago my twin sister was going through a really hard time, deep emotional pain and I no way to relate to what she was feeling, I had no idea how to comfort her. I just couldn't help her, she went to me for help and for support that I could never give. She would cry almost every night and I could never stop the tears. It was hell. I remember thinking to myself, "What am I doing? If I can't help her, why am I even here?" I felt so terribly useless, and if I couldn't be useful, how am I worth any value? So when I felt useless, I also felt worthless. Because of that I went full out on my exercise, on restricting what I ate. That's when my anorexia really took a hold of me and began to drag me down. For like over a year a so I kept on feeling useless, useless, useless! Worthless, worthless, and worthless! I knew those were lies, but that's how felt and before I could stop it I believed those lies those lies to be true. Well, finally after months of recovery from anorexia, something hit me, I was a fool to believe those lies, I was nothing but a stubborn fool. That's I began to feel horribly guilty. All day long just guilt and guilt. Whenever I felt guilty I knew that I was wrong, but I couldn't shake those feelings. Also I was still struggling with feeling useless and worthless whenever I felt like, I felt guilty for believing those lies. It was horrible, continuous cycle. BUT at long last on that night of worship at L.T I cried my head off to God. Sick and tired of those lies dragging me down. I gave them to God. Nevertheless, Satan will come back and try to push me down again and again, but I will push back each time. Therefore, I must keep telling myself, "I am not useless, I am worthy, I am worthy of God's love for me."

P.S: Tom Short, one the of speakers at L.T, is totally amazing. Truly a man after God's heart.

Feeling pressured

I could remember a time in my anorexic journey, where things got really stressful and complicated and I was really scared that I was falling back into anorexia all over again. It was in the summer of 2011. I started to fall into the same cycle, the same cycle that sent me to the hospital. To this day, I'm not really so sure how I began to go backwards instead of forward. My mom began to freak out as well, she would constantly be cautiously watching me. My mom and I started to argue with each other more and more. She would say to me increasingly, "You going back downhill" "You're not thinking" "Aren't you scared of going back?" so on and so on. I got so mad at her for doing that. Of course I was scared, but at the same time I thought I could handle it. I wanted to get better, I really did, but at the same I scared of getting better. I know that sounds totally messed up. But people should know that the logic inside the mind of an anorexic is very unstable. Many anorexics want to get better, but at the very same time, they don't want to get better. Mainly because in order for them to get better, they have to gain weight, until they reach a healthy weight for their height and stuff. However, they are so highly convinced on the idea that gaining weight is just getting fat. You may call it silly or stupid, maybe even unrealistic. You can say, "It's just a cupcake what's the big deal??" you can say that all you want, but get it through your head, to an anorexic a cupcake is dangerous, even deadly. And no, that wouldn't be an exaggeration. Anyway, I started to lose weight over the summer, from 120 to 118 to 116 to 114, but most of the time I was 115. With every weigh-in that came, I just couldn't gain the weight. I just stayed the same. And I knew what I had to do, I knew how to do it, but I couldn't. Because secretly inside I liked the feeling of being underweight, of being thin and skinny, small. Even though I was thin in an unhealthy way. I knew that what I was doing to myself wasn't good for my body, but it made me feel good. That also sounds really messed up, but many people know that smoking can kill them, but they keep on smoking only because they like it. Well, it's sort of the same concept here. Next thing I knew, I began to exercise in secret, trying my very best not to let my parents ever know. Every time, I weighed myself, it would always be 115, and I would say to myself, "Raquel you need to stop this." But there was another voice inside of me saying, "Why? I feel fine." I didn't know how to explain myself, or my actions to my parents.
They best way I can illustrate it, even to this day is like this: Picture an over-sized hammer full of expectations, goals, fears, desires, dreams, values and other things. And this hammer is pounding down on small, little, weak nail. I was the nail. I hope this illustration explains how I felt back then. I really felt pressured by everybody, including myself.