In depth (part 1)

  I want to go in depth at my stay in the hospital. In the short two weeks that I spent (it felt longer than that to be honest) ,but the point is a lot things took place in that hospital most of them were emotional and I cried a lot.
  No one cares about the first day and plus nothing really happened on that day other than checking in. However, on the first night my mom and my twin sister stayed with me and slept on a sofa by my side. I felt so relieved that I wasn't alone, but let's continue! I really think that people should know what the process felt like in my opinion. You follow? Good! :)
  On the second day I got introduced to my doctors and my nurse for that day. They told me and my parents that I was going to have a nutritionist and a therapist (2 therapist. One for me and one for the family.) I remember thinking to myself: "Is all of this really necessary?" They also told me I had to drink 4 bottles of water everyday. They would number the bottles. I wasn't allowed to drink anything else other than water or milk, but they said I could only drink whole milk, which I hate whole milk, so yea I had no other option.  I would get a new nurse every two days or so. I had a total of 3 doctors, well actually it was 4 including my nutritionist. (Love her! She was the one that inspired to become a nutritionist.) An overall total of 7 nurses...I think. No lie, every nurse I ever had kept on complaining of how exhausted they were and how they felt like that they were going to collapse of exhaustion. I remember my doctors would look so serious all the time. It was creepy! On the second day my room mate left me because she had gotten all better. Then on the same day I had gotten a new room mate. Her name was Ale. (She is important!)
This is out it happen. At least what I remember.
A doctor walks in and says: "You have a new room mate."
Me: "I do?"
My mom: "Hey, isn't that nice?" In my mind I responded by saying, "It is?"
Ale slowly and shyly walked in the room. She was tall and super thin. Within a few seconds I was told that she was going through the very same thing I was. The only difference was that this wasn't the first time that she'd been in the hospital for, you know, anorexia. I was thinking to myself: "Maybe I'm here because I am supposed to become friends with this girl." At breakfast time I tried my best to strike conversation.
But as I looked at my plate all I had was small a slice of french toast and water. In my mind I was like: "I thought the whole point of me being here I was to gain weight."
I looked up at Ale kinda sheepish like. I kept saying to myself: "Say something, say something!"
Never did, at least not at that moment.
As the day went on I watched T.V. and Ale slept. (That's how she and I "hanged out")
It was close to lunch time and then out of the blue my nutritionist came to my bed side with a really big smile I couldn't look away.
"Hello, Raquel." and I said, "Hello."
"How are you doing?" I didn't really answer that question mainly because I didn't like at all where I was. She handed my a menu where I had to pick certain foods from the menu what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Unfortunately, I have to stop here cause I need to do something else right now. I leave you in this somewhat lame cliff hanger. I'm you don't mind. Later.

Deaf.

I'm not so sure if you people remember this or not, but remember how I said in the very end of "am I cured?" blog that I would explain in more detail about teaching Deaf people about health and fitness, well in this blog that's what I am going to do.

So, all my sisters in my family (that would be two) have a passion for sign language and the Deaf culture. They both want to be interpreters as their majors. My first class in college (I'm doing duel enrollment) was A.S.L. I only took that class because I needed an elective and plus my twin sis was taking it and so was another friend of mine and I didn't wanted to feel left out. On the first day we went to class introduced ourselves and explained why we were taking this class. (My twin sister has an awesome reason why. But it's rather long. So maybe another time I can share it.) My actual words were: "uh...my older sister knows some sign language and sometimes she shows off, so I would like to learn." Lame reason I know.
As the class went on and we started to learn the alphabet, and the history of the Deaf culture I was having fun. And every time I went to class I was more interested. This new language I was learning was different. It was way more fun than learning Spanish that's for sure. I was intrigued by how with simple gestures I could tell stories and express myself in a way that I never knew before. I didn't consider practicing my A.S.L as school or as a chore. I thought it was fun and interesting. I passed the class with a big A :)
My older sister continued to teach me words and how to express myself. My twin sister said she wanted to do A.S.L 2  and so did I.
One day I went to Miami Dade to meet with my counselor about what classes to take in becoming a nutritionist. While doing so I told her about my previous class and how it was so much fun then she told me how she knew a woman who was Deaf and the woman needed to go and see a doctor for a very important appointment, but was denied because she was deaf. Which is so unfair. By law the doctor was supposed to get the woman and interpreter, but I guess he thought it would take too long so he instead denied her. My counselor went on saying that this sort of thing was normal.(sad but true.)
And while she was still talking something clicked in my brain it went like ding! I thought to myself why don't I teach the Deaf culture about health? I actually I said that out loud. All of sudden her eyes and my mom eyes lit up and they were like: "Yea, that's a really good idea, why don't you?"
Then I said, "I think it would be awesome. I would be doing two things that I love. I would be teaching fitness and using A.S.L!" I was smiling like crazy. For the rest of the day I was excited!
It's literally getting the best of both worlds. No lie.
It's really awful that just because a person is deaf that their health and wellness is thrown aside. My major is becoming a nutritionist and I will learn sing language so I can have patients who are both hearing and deaf. I don't know about you, but to me that's sounds awesome!
And if you don't know sign language I encourage you to at least try and learn it see if you like it. The Deaf world is pretty amazing.

What is an eating disorder?

You might think that I know all about anorexia because I've been struggling with it for a whole year. But to be perfectly honest I didn't even knew the word anorexic on the first day at the hospital. I didn't know such a thing like that even existed. If you came up to me on my first day at the hospital and said to me, "You're suffering from anorexia." I would've said, "Okay,...what's that?" and then you would've said, "Don't you know?" then I would say, "Know what?" with blank stare too.

The point is back then I was plain out clueless of the situation I was in even though it was me who put myself in it! Even on the third day I still had no idea. My entire stay at the hospital (two weeks) the word anorexia never came up. Maybe it did when the doctors were talking to my parents behind my back. I'm not so sure. 

I don't know when exactly it hit me that I had anorexia. I think I was in Miami Children's hospital for a check up so they could check my weight this was somewhere in 2010 after February or something. Anyway I saw this little pamphlet with a title called Eating Disorders. I was bored and bored so I decided to read it. The pamphlet said there were two kinds of eating disorders (which is true) there's Bulimia Nervosa which means that a person will over eat at one point then feel terribly guilty then does whatever it takes to get rid of all the calories they just consumed. They might try starving themselves, vomiting, take laxatives or do excessive exercise. Let me just say it plain out: Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating, followed by frantic efforts to avoid gaining weight. 

(I got this information with this website.)   http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm

Anorexia is when a person intentionally tries to lose weight by restricting certain foods from their diet. Excessive exercise and sometimes it is compulsive. They might also take diet pills. Then when they lose weight they fear of gaining weight and become obsessed with losing more weight or trying to stay thin. 

What do doctors think anorexia is?

They say it's a disease. (ooh how scary.) 

First of all what's a disease? A disease to put it in the simplest of terms it's something that hinders your body. Like the common flu. And you cure a disease by either getting rest or by taking a prescription etc. 

However taking a prescription won't cure an eating disorder.

The way I see it anorexia (or any eating disorder) is a state of mind. I don't see my anorexia as a disease not at all. It's all part of God's plan to bring him glory.

am I cured?

Now you know my story (a portion of it.) There is still a lot to cover. 


My journey with anorexia really started in January, 2010 it's been over a year now and I haven't gone back to the hospital because I haven't fainted again. I haven't gone to a treatment facility. I haven't had any medication for my anorexia. I have had a few therapy sessions. I only been hospitalize once. I never threw up my meals before. So, I must be cured right? Wrong. 
Not a day goes by where I don't feel a little insecure about myself. I don't want to sound all negative now, but I also don't want to lie. The truth is I am still struggling to maintain a healthy balance between exercise and fueling my body. I am still struggling to try new foods. Recently and very often now God has been drilling into my brain that my journey with anorexia is far from over. How long will I have to watch what I eat and maintain a healthy weight? Answer: The rest of my life. (This goes for everyone on planet Earth really.) 
But I guess the real the question for me is: When will I stop struggling with anorexia? Answer: I won't be struggling in the future I will be overcoming! :) Yes it has been super hard so far (sometimes it feels like hell) But I know that as long as I am with God I'm going to make it. I never would have made it this far if it wasn't for God. I don't know where would I be without him. Yes there are times in my life where I ask God why did it have to be me? Answer: He is going to use my trails as teaching tools for others that are going through the same thing. 
Anorexia isn't something that can be cured. Not to sound negative, but that's the truth. However, I am taking anorexia and I am going use it as a stepping stone for my life. Anyone can take a negative and change to a positive. 
It was thanks to anorexia that I finally have reason to get up in the morning. I have a passion in life and I plan to pursue it. Anorexia helped me discover what I wanna do with my life. I want to be a nutritionist. I also plan to teach the Deaf Culture about health and fitness.  
I'll tell you more about that in my next blog, but for now so long!

What's with the title?

So why did I pick such a negative title? Here's the thing it's not negative. It was the reality of my anorexia. Just hear me out.

In January of 2010 I fainted in the bathroom because of mal-nutrition. My head hit the floor in such a loud thump that my mother (all the way from the kitchen) rushed inside to see what was wrong. The first few seconds of me waking up from my fall I thought I was dreaming. Needless to say on that night I was taken to the E.R. I got in weighing 98 lbs (my mother says I was 94lbs) so I say let's put it in the middle and make it 96lbs. My mom was freaking out. My sister was crying. And in the back mind I was thinking, "Crap! What just happen?"

At first my parents thought that I could go home the same night and so was I, but a few hours went by and in the process of talking to three doctors and maybe five nurses I was admitted in the hospital with a room and everything. Even got myself a room mate.

On that night my heart beat was 32 or 30. The doctors told my parents that if they hadn't taken me to the hospital I probably would have died the next day or so.

So, in a manner of speaking I had one foot inside the grave. I was in a life and death situation and didn't even know it.

My obsession with weight loss and fitness didn't start over night. It started very small and slowly. The first 6 months of 2009 I weighed 120lbs. Started to work out secretly no one ever knew. Nothing bad happened. Then my parents started to noticed how I was increasingly enjoying exercising and they actually supported me. Because exercising is a good habit to have. However, somewhere after summer or so I started to decrease my food in take. I would chew gum to curb my hunger. Have cereal for breakfast and try my best to skip lunch. Thanksgiving came along and my parents began to confront me about my weight loss telling me I had to stop or something bad might happen to my body. All the time I looked pale and tired with dark circles I stopped smiling (these are the things that people notice.) I would just lose my temper at them and fume with anger I weighed 104 lbs-107. I pretty much maintained that weight all through November and December.

I went out of town that Christmas to a Christian conference. I kept on thinking that I had gain weight while on my vacation, but when I came back I weighed the same. I went back to regular routine of starving myself and increased my exercise. Then boom I fainted.

I was abusing my body. In the middle of all of that I was digging my own grave. I thank God that my parents took me to the hospital the same night.