What's with the title?

So why did I pick such a negative title? Here's the thing it's not negative. It was the reality of my anorexia. Just hear me out.

In January of 2010 I fainted in the bathroom because of mal-nutrition. My head hit the floor in such a loud thump that my mother (all the way from the kitchen) rushed inside to see what was wrong. The first few seconds of me waking up from my fall I thought I was dreaming. Needless to say on that night I was taken to the E.R. I got in weighing 98 lbs (my mother says I was 94lbs) so I say let's put it in the middle and make it 96lbs. My mom was freaking out. My sister was crying. And in the back mind I was thinking, "Crap! What just happen?"

At first my parents thought that I could go home the same night and so was I, but a few hours went by and in the process of talking to three doctors and maybe five nurses I was admitted in the hospital with a room and everything. Even got myself a room mate.

On that night my heart beat was 32 or 30. The doctors told my parents that if they hadn't taken me to the hospital I probably would have died the next day or so.

So, in a manner of speaking I had one foot inside the grave. I was in a life and death situation and didn't even know it.

My obsession with weight loss and fitness didn't start over night. It started very small and slowly. The first 6 months of 2009 I weighed 120lbs. Started to work out secretly no one ever knew. Nothing bad happened. Then my parents started to noticed how I was increasingly enjoying exercising and they actually supported me. Because exercising is a good habit to have. However, somewhere after summer or so I started to decrease my food in take. I would chew gum to curb my hunger. Have cereal for breakfast and try my best to skip lunch. Thanksgiving came along and my parents began to confront me about my weight loss telling me I had to stop or something bad might happen to my body. All the time I looked pale and tired with dark circles I stopped smiling (these are the things that people notice.) I would just lose my temper at them and fume with anger I weighed 104 lbs-107. I pretty much maintained that weight all through November and December.

I went out of town that Christmas to a Christian conference. I kept on thinking that I had gain weight while on my vacation, but when I came back I weighed the same. I went back to regular routine of starving myself and increased my exercise. Then boom I fainted.

I was abusing my body. In the middle of all of that I was digging my own grave. I thank God that my parents took me to the hospital the same night.