This will be another look into what my life looks like now. What my routine is like now and all that jazz.
Let us begin. As you may have already noticed it is Christmas, which means I am in Christmas vacation as most other kids these days. I passed my English class with a big A! However, that was kind of a no-brainier for me. It was challenging, but I passed my ASL 2 class with a good A too. ^_^ On day very first day of my ASL 2 class, my teacher signed the entire class, I was freaking out. Most of what he was signing looked like random gestures in my opinion. But that is only because I hadn't learned those signs yet. However, I didn't quit. I stuck to my studies and I reaped the benefits. Since, I am not doing school at this moment I am not going to the gym because Miami Dade is closed for the holidays. So, for my source of exercising I am playing tennis! My twin sister and me deeply enjoy tennis. Her favorite player is Roger Federer. My favorite player is Rafael Nadal. But I think my sister is starting to become a Djokovic fan. He's okay.
In fact, I am going to play tennis today!
When school starts again (the 4th of Jan) I am totally going to sign for the gym in Miami Dade. Just like I did in the Fall semester. It's going to be soooo much fun!! I love working out! Love it! I love the gym :) Some people don't. Some people prefer playing sports and that's good. It's matter of opinion.
I have already decided. That no matter what going to the gym and working out will always always be part of my daily routine! But you already know that I am a health nut and proud of it!
My life now is very relaxed, I mean I'm not doing any school work. Next year, I plan to do a 8k that's 5 miles. 2 more miles than my regular 5k races. But I am determine, so that's what I am going to do. There is nothing really major going on in my life at the moment, but I am please to report that all is good.
I <3 GOD!!!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
when I left (next part)
I remember, that while I was secretly exercising, my parents were growing suspicious. I knew I had to be more discreet, but with every opportunity I had to myself I just had to workout. I was falling back into the same hole, but I (along with all anorexics) denied the facts. I was still keeping my diet, however I did tried to find ways to cheat the diet. That didn't really work out. One day, I went to the hospital and my doctor asked me if was exercising. I said no, I lied right through my teeth. The doctor still took my word for it. Inside, I was so relieved that no one suspected anything, but keeping up with the lies was becoming such a burden for me. On the same appointment, the doctor told my mom to buy drinking supplements. You know brands like, Boost and Ensure. My doctor said this because I needed to gain weight. I instantly thought to myself, "I'm going to have to exercise more if I want to maintain my weight." I hated the fact that my mother actually bought some supplement drinks, I hated the fact that I had to take them. The only thing I could was workout more to balance it out.
The more I exercised the more and more I felt that parents one way or another would eventually discover the truth. I tried not to think like that. I think, in the mist of all of that, I might have even felt a little proud that I was keeping a secret like that from my parents. However, one night my family and me were invited to a BBQ and all the kids were playing sports, I wanted to play with them so badly. And so I did. I didn't wait to ask my parents. I didn't care what would they say to me if I played with kids or not. I wanted to do what I wanted. Recall that my parents didn't know that I was secretly working out , so they let my played with the kids. I felt so free and all so happy, but I knew that I was lying....again. We went home and I don't know how the subject came to be, but all of a sudden my secret came spilling out. I was sobbing immensely. I have no idea what my parents were thinking. That night I confessed my secret work outs. My mom asked me how could I have been working out if she never suspected anything. "In the bathroom!" I cried. I don't think she could believe what was I saying because all she said was, "What?" perhaps in shock. I cried and cried. That night was terrible. I felt soooooo bad and sooooo scared. Why did I feel scared? Because I knew that after that night my parents would make sure that I gain weight.
I had another doctor appointment in like three days. Those 72 hours were like hell. I had to eat twice as much as my diet recommended and this time the mom made sure I ate. Those three days I didn't work out at all. Terrible, terrible! I felt like was being punished with every passing minute. When the appointment finally came, I gained weight. I didn't even wanted to think about it. The doctors were pleased and so was my mother. I was not, but then the doctor told me that I could now exercise. I remember saying to myself, "It's about freaking time!!" Needless to say I was angry.
Let's carry this on in the next blog ^_^ I <3 God!
Merry Christmas.
The more I exercised the more and more I felt that parents one way or another would eventually discover the truth. I tried not to think like that. I think, in the mist of all of that, I might have even felt a little proud that I was keeping a secret like that from my parents. However, one night my family and me were invited to a BBQ and all the kids were playing sports, I wanted to play with them so badly. And so I did. I didn't wait to ask my parents. I didn't care what would they say to me if I played with kids or not. I wanted to do what I wanted. Recall that my parents didn't know that I was secretly working out , so they let my played with the kids. I felt so free and all so happy, but I knew that I was lying....again. We went home and I don't know how the subject came to be, but all of a sudden my secret came spilling out. I was sobbing immensely. I have no idea what my parents were thinking. That night I confessed my secret work outs. My mom asked me how could I have been working out if she never suspected anything. "In the bathroom!" I cried. I don't think she could believe what was I saying because all she said was, "What?" perhaps in shock. I cried and cried. That night was terrible. I felt soooooo bad and sooooo scared. Why did I feel scared? Because I knew that after that night my parents would make sure that I gain weight.
I had another doctor appointment in like three days. Those 72 hours were like hell. I had to eat twice as much as my diet recommended and this time the mom made sure I ate. Those three days I didn't work out at all. Terrible, terrible! I felt like was being punished with every passing minute. When the appointment finally came, I gained weight. I didn't even wanted to think about it. The doctors were pleased and so was my mother. I was not, but then the doctor told me that I could now exercise. I remember saying to myself, "It's about freaking time!!" Needless to say I was angry.
Let's carry this on in the next blog ^_^ I <3 God!
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Christmas
It has come to my recent knowledge that it's Christmas! And I have no pictures of Christmas or the good old Christmas spirit. Well, I am about to change all that by posting two pictures that I made using: http://www.maplesimulator.com/ (awesome website)
enjoy. ^_^
yea, the first one I made I think last, but the second one I made like two days ago.
Have a Merry Christmas!!
enjoy. ^_^
Have a Merry Christmas!!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
when I left...(who cares which part)
Okay! My last blog, which was in November (my apologies) was mainly about how my sister call me and told me that she signed me up for 48 hours. It's some kind of retreat way off in quite place where you can just pour your heart out to God. It was like a two hour drive or more from my house. Good news, I did go to the retreat and I did pour out my heart to God! I must confess, though I didn't really think God would help me out in that kind of situation, but he did. God always comes through in the end. ^_^
I forgot when exactly was the retreat I think maybe somewhere around February of 2010. While in the retreat, I remember it was there that I realized just how many true friends I had. Even with people, who I barely spoke with, they were praying for me. What I took from that experience was that I should never take friends for granted.
Right when I left the hospital, like in the same night, my family decided to over a friend's house to surprise them with me leaving the hospital. They told me to wait in the car while they went inside the house. The plan was that my farther would tell them that I was still in the hospital, then I would walk in the house and, well, surprise them! My twin sister went to use the bathroom, when I walked in the house. When they so me they thought I was Rebecca my twin sister. But then, all of a sudden my twin sister came behind me and hugged me, I hugged her back too. Instantly, they started freaking out. Big smiles and all :)
The hospital gave me a diet that I had to follow cause I still needed to gain a bit more weight. Needless to say I hated the diet. I felt so stuffed with food all the time. I tried not to make a big deal about it. I also didn't was to get all rebellious because then I would probably had to go back to the hospital. So I stuck to the diet. During this time I wasn't allowed to exercise, which was terrible! (I love exercising! ^_^ It makes me feel happy and studies have shown that it helps get rid of stress.)
I didn't want to gain anymore weight. So, I chose to exercise secretly. My parents didn't know about and neither did my siblings. I still kept the diet, but I was secretly exercising. The only place where I could exercise in privet was the bathroom. So, every time I went to take a bath I would exercise. As a result I maintain my weight. Didn't gain didn't lose. Every time I went to the doctor they would say that I weighed the same. And secretly I was proud that I didn't gain anything, but deep down inside I hated the fact that was lying to my parents.
Let's carry on with this story another time shall we? In my nest blog, yes, indeed! I feel that I covered a lot in this blog.
I <3 God!
I forgot when exactly was the retreat I think maybe somewhere around February of 2010. While in the retreat, I remember it was there that I realized just how many true friends I had. Even with people, who I barely spoke with, they were praying for me. What I took from that experience was that I should never take friends for granted.
Right when I left the hospital, like in the same night, my family decided to over a friend's house to surprise them with me leaving the hospital. They told me to wait in the car while they went inside the house. The plan was that my farther would tell them that I was still in the hospital, then I would walk in the house and, well, surprise them! My twin sister went to use the bathroom, when I walked in the house. When they so me they thought I was Rebecca my twin sister. But then, all of a sudden my twin sister came behind me and hugged me, I hugged her back too. Instantly, they started freaking out. Big smiles and all :)
The hospital gave me a diet that I had to follow cause I still needed to gain a bit more weight. Needless to say I hated the diet. I felt so stuffed with food all the time. I tried not to make a big deal about it. I also didn't was to get all rebellious because then I would probably had to go back to the hospital. So I stuck to the diet. During this time I wasn't allowed to exercise, which was terrible! (I love exercising! ^_^ It makes me feel happy and studies have shown that it helps get rid of stress.)
I didn't want to gain anymore weight. So, I chose to exercise secretly. My parents didn't know about and neither did my siblings. I still kept the diet, but I was secretly exercising. The only place where I could exercise in privet was the bathroom. So, every time I went to take a bath I would exercise. As a result I maintain my weight. Didn't gain didn't lose. Every time I went to the doctor they would say that I weighed the same. And secretly I was proud that I didn't gain anything, but deep down inside I hated the fact that was lying to my parents.
Let's carry on with this story another time shall we? In my nest blog, yes, indeed! I feel that I covered a lot in this blog.
I <3 God!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
when I left...part 2
Okay, first I want to apologize for the fact that I have not been posting lately, but school has been hectic and plus I always find myself watching something on hulu. So, please forgive me. ^_^
Anyway, last time, I was talking about my new room mate, Francesca. Super nice and a little shy. We didn't really talk that much. I remember, almost everytime it was lunch or dinner time she would be unable to finish her food. The nurse would do her best to encourage her, but that wouldn't do much good. Francesca, as I recall had a sister, who was also at the hospital. I think it was because she (Francesca's sis) was super depressed, but that's all I am going to say because I'm pretty sure that if she were right next to me right at this very minute she would want to keep that kinda of stuff privet and I respect that.
My friends from the youth group would constantly visit me :) One time, a friend of mine named Muppet (not his real name) came over to the hospital and bought like 6 other people with him! No lie, but my room was packed. Loved it! My friends and me decided to hang out in the cafeteria. Note: I really don't know if this is true or not cause I can't really remember all the details. However, on with the story! I still had to sit on the wheelchair and Muppet was pushing me. Well, every so often he would look around see if there were any doctors around and if the cost was clear he would lift up the wheel chair and race down the hall!! And we didn't get into trouble.
I wasn't the only one who had friends. One night, a few relatives of Francesca came over. And it just so happen my siblings came over too. We all started chilling and I think we played some sort of card game.
(Side note: Ale while she was still with me would play solitare a lot, I don't like solitare, but that's just me.)
Moreover, there was this one time were Francesca got this big card with picture and a bunch of her friends had written on it saying how much they missed her and how they want to get better and all that jazz.
Francesca had a lot of friends. I don't know if she really knew it or not.
I received a phone call in my room (yea, I had a telephone right next to my bed) it was my twin sister. It was Sunday as I recall. Let me give you some background information: My church was planning this big retreat in some far off distant place away from the city. A two hour drive from the church, not that bad. Anyway, she really really wanted to go, but she didn't wanted to go alone, so she signed me in along with her. Now, you got to remember I was still in the hospital. Moreover, even after I leave the hospital the doctors aren't just going to let me go off for a two days by myself. Mainly because I might just drastically cut back on food all over againg. Let me put some dialouge.
Riiing riing
"Hello?" I answeared.
"Hey, your sis here. You know how the church is having this 48 hr retreat, right?" she said so happily.
"Yea."
"Well, I really want to go, but I don't want to go alone so I signed both of us in!"
"What!"
"Yea, it will be great!"
"what if I can't go?"
"And why not?"
"I don't know. The doctors may think I'm not ready yet or something like that."
"Don't be so negeative! we are signed in and you are going!!"
"Okay..." I replied slowly.
"Yea!" she said with much glee.
We talked some more, but I forgot what about. You should also know I don't rememer the conversation word from word, but I remember the main topic.
I'll tell you the rest in the next blog, which hopefully won't take me sooo long to post.
I <3 God!
Anyway, last time, I was talking about my new room mate, Francesca. Super nice and a little shy. We didn't really talk that much. I remember, almost everytime it was lunch or dinner time she would be unable to finish her food. The nurse would do her best to encourage her, but that wouldn't do much good. Francesca, as I recall had a sister, who was also at the hospital. I think it was because she (Francesca's sis) was super depressed, but that's all I am going to say because I'm pretty sure that if she were right next to me right at this very minute she would want to keep that kinda of stuff privet and I respect that.
My friends from the youth group would constantly visit me :) One time, a friend of mine named Muppet (not his real name) came over to the hospital and bought like 6 other people with him! No lie, but my room was packed. Loved it! My friends and me decided to hang out in the cafeteria. Note: I really don't know if this is true or not cause I can't really remember all the details. However, on with the story! I still had to sit on the wheelchair and Muppet was pushing me. Well, every so often he would look around see if there were any doctors around and if the cost was clear he would lift up the wheel chair and race down the hall!! And we didn't get into trouble.
I wasn't the only one who had friends. One night, a few relatives of Francesca came over. And it just so happen my siblings came over too. We all started chilling and I think we played some sort of card game.
(Side note: Ale while she was still with me would play solitare a lot, I don't like solitare, but that's just me.)
Moreover, there was this one time were Francesca got this big card with picture and a bunch of her friends had written on it saying how much they missed her and how they want to get better and all that jazz.
Francesca had a lot of friends. I don't know if she really knew it or not.
I received a phone call in my room (yea, I had a telephone right next to my bed) it was my twin sister. It was Sunday as I recall. Let me give you some background information: My church was planning this big retreat in some far off distant place away from the city. A two hour drive from the church, not that bad. Anyway, she really really wanted to go, but she didn't wanted to go alone, so she signed me in along with her. Now, you got to remember I was still in the hospital. Moreover, even after I leave the hospital the doctors aren't just going to let me go off for a two days by myself. Mainly because I might just drastically cut back on food all over againg. Let me put some dialouge.
Riiing riing
"Hello?" I answeared.
"Hey, your sis here. You know how the church is having this 48 hr retreat, right?" she said so happily.
"Yea."
"Well, I really want to go, but I don't want to go alone so I signed both of us in!"
"What!"
"Yea, it will be great!"
"what if I can't go?"
"And why not?"
"I don't know. The doctors may think I'm not ready yet or something like that."
"Don't be so negeative! we are signed in and you are going!!"
"Okay..." I replied slowly.
"Yea!" she said with much glee.
We talked some more, but I forgot what about. You should also know I don't rememer the conversation word from word, but I remember the main topic.
I'll tell you the rest in the next blog, which hopefully won't take me sooo long to post.
I <3 God!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My life now
This blog is going to be, I think fairly short. I couldn't help, but notice that all my blogs are about the past. However, in this blog I am going to talk about how my life is like now. And my future goals in life. Stuff like that. So, I am going to put this blog under a label.
I'm going to college. Doing duel enrollment. That's when you mix high-school with college at the same time. I have two classes. English and ASL 2. They both have been a challenge. I find myself doing a lot of homework. (But that's just my opinion.) I'm working on a MLA paper for English, it's so confusing! Sign Language has been good so far. I had a midterm not too long ago and I didn't really study for it. My bad I guess. Before I go to my English class I go to the gym (the highlight of my day)!
I'm currently training for a 5k. This will be my fourth 5k. And no a 5k is not 5 miles it's 3.1 miles. I was able to convince of friend of mine to do it with me. I hope to beat my record. 29 minutes and 52 seconds. I jog/walk for an hour on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. On Monday and Wednesday I go to the gym :D luv it! You might be wondering "ooh I wonder what does she eat?" "Does she eat six meals a day?" "Are you still uncomfortable around certain food?"
Answer to question 1: I basically eat what I want. I love bran flakes I have that for breakfast almost everyday. I eat fish a lot. Tuna from a can. Tilapia, I wish I could have more Mahi mahi, but tilapia is my favorite. I deeply enjoy Greek yogurt. It's texture and taste is way better than regular yogurt :) I love frozen yogurt!! And ice cream too. A lot of vegetables. Spinach, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli Love them!
Answer to question 2: I don't eat six meals. I eat three. Breakfast is light. I have a heavy lunch. Dinner is medium size I guess. I can't tell. I choose my portions. I make all the decisions now in my food. It used to be the doctors, but now it's on me. Which I think is good practice when I become a nutritionist ^_^
Answer to question 3: Yes, I am. But I'm working my way around it. I used to be scared of jelly, but not anymore. I hate peanut butter. It's too sticky and dry. Plain out ew! I'm right now scared of bagels. (My twin sister loves bagels) I know, why would someone be scared of food? Trust me there are more people out there than you think. My family doesn't buy bagels because it's too pricey. Always after a 5k race there is some food. Bananas, apples, grapes, oranges, cookies and bagels. I sometimes have a bagel after a 5k race. Plus when I do eat a bagel it doesn't really taste that great.
In my personal opinion I think bagels shouldn't be eaten everyday.
Just look at this website: http://www.livestrong.com/article/392011-are-bagels-healthy-for-breakfast/
Enjoy, see you later
I <3 God!
I'm going to college. Doing duel enrollment. That's when you mix high-school with college at the same time. I have two classes. English and ASL 2. They both have been a challenge. I find myself doing a lot of homework. (But that's just my opinion.) I'm working on a MLA paper for English, it's so confusing! Sign Language has been good so far. I had a midterm not too long ago and I didn't really study for it. My bad I guess. Before I go to my English class I go to the gym (the highlight of my day)!
I'm currently training for a 5k. This will be my fourth 5k. And no a 5k is not 5 miles it's 3.1 miles. I was able to convince of friend of mine to do it with me. I hope to beat my record. 29 minutes and 52 seconds. I jog/walk for an hour on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. On Monday and Wednesday I go to the gym :D luv it! You might be wondering "ooh I wonder what does she eat?" "Does she eat six meals a day?" "Are you still uncomfortable around certain food?"
Answer to question 1: I basically eat what I want. I love bran flakes I have that for breakfast almost everyday. I eat fish a lot. Tuna from a can. Tilapia, I wish I could have more Mahi mahi, but tilapia is my favorite. I deeply enjoy Greek yogurt. It's texture and taste is way better than regular yogurt :) I love frozen yogurt!! And ice cream too. A lot of vegetables. Spinach, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli Love them!
Answer to question 2: I don't eat six meals. I eat three. Breakfast is light. I have a heavy lunch. Dinner is medium size I guess. I can't tell. I choose my portions. I make all the decisions now in my food. It used to be the doctors, but now it's on me. Which I think is good practice when I become a nutritionist ^_^
Answer to question 3: Yes, I am. But I'm working my way around it. I used to be scared of jelly, but not anymore. I hate peanut butter. It's too sticky and dry. Plain out ew! I'm right now scared of bagels. (My twin sister loves bagels) I know, why would someone be scared of food? Trust me there are more people out there than you think. My family doesn't buy bagels because it's too pricey. Always after a 5k race there is some food. Bananas, apples, grapes, oranges, cookies and bagels. I sometimes have a bagel after a 5k race. Plus when I do eat a bagel it doesn't really taste that great.
In my personal opinion I think bagels shouldn't be eaten everyday.
Just look at this website: http://www.livestrong.com/article/392011-are-bagels-healthy-for-breakfast/
Enjoy, see you later
I <3 God!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
When I left....part 1
So, Lately I have been talking about how my stay at the hospital and what was it like, how did I feel and all the jazz, but now I want to describe to you my last days.
Those two weeks felt like forever, but at the same time it went by so very fast (I don't if that makes any sense or not). I don't know what day it was. It could have been a Monday or a Friday, heck even a Sunday, but one day all of a sudden I heard that Ale was leaving the hospital. I was thinking to myself, "Who can I talk to now?" I was thinking this because Ale and me began to finally have conversations here and there (she was so sweet). I remember she gave me this Flarp noisy putty thing. I loved it! I played with that putty for hours on end ^_^ However, back to what I was talking about. Ale was leaving! On her last day we were sitting together I think we just finished lunch and I was looking at her, thinking to myself how lucky she was to leave so quickly. I said to myself, "I may never see her again. I can't let this opportunity slip by." I felt a tugging feeling inside. It was like God was telling me to do something. Without giving much thought I just blurted out, "You want my e-mail address?"
Instantly she replied, "Yes!" I was glad when she said that. I quickly found some paper and pen and I wrote down my e-mail.
(harcyMill@gmail.com Go ahead e-mail me if you want. Ask me questions. It can be questions about anorexia, nutrition, what's my life like now. Or you can just comment, whatever.)
Then she gave me her e-mail. I remember she said to me, "But don't e-mail me until you leave the hospital."
I don't know why she said that, but I'm like sure, okay. Then before I knew it, it was already dinner time. Ale was going to leave right after dinner. Her mother and father were with us just counting the seconds I guess.
When Ale was leaving she looked so happy and I was so jealous. I'm not going to lie here. I wanted to leave so bad. My heart went out to Ale. All I want for her is to feel happy in her own skin. Then boom! She left the room and walked away. (ooh and by the way I did e-mail Ale when I left and she did e-mail me back. And yes we still e-mail each other to this day. And YES I love her deeply)! Francisca The next day came along and I got another room mater. She was ten and she had anorexia just like me. Her name was Francesca. I'm not so sure if I spelled it right.
She had blond curly hair as I recall I could be mistaken. She had bright blue eyes. Her eyes were sooo cute. She looked somewhat timid. I am too, when meeting new people.
When we were eating breakfast together in my mind I was comparing her amount of food to mine. She had such a small amount compare to my plate of food.
I wish I could continue onward, but I can't. Mainly because I have some homework that I need to do today. It should be against the law to do school on a Saturday. See ya later.
I <3 God!
Those two weeks felt like forever, but at the same time it went by so very fast (I don't if that makes any sense or not). I don't know what day it was. It could have been a Monday or a Friday, heck even a Sunday, but one day all of a sudden I heard that Ale was leaving the hospital. I was thinking to myself, "Who can I talk to now?" I was thinking this because Ale and me began to finally have conversations here and there (she was so sweet). I remember she gave me this Flarp noisy putty thing. I loved it! I played with that putty for hours on end ^_^ However, back to what I was talking about. Ale was leaving! On her last day we were sitting together I think we just finished lunch and I was looking at her, thinking to myself how lucky she was to leave so quickly. I said to myself, "I may never see her again. I can't let this opportunity slip by." I felt a tugging feeling inside. It was like God was telling me to do something. Without giving much thought I just blurted out, "You want my e-mail address?"
Instantly she replied, "Yes!" I was glad when she said that. I quickly found some paper and pen and I wrote down my e-mail.
(harcyMill@gmail.com Go ahead e-mail me if you want. Ask me questions. It can be questions about anorexia, nutrition, what's my life like now. Or you can just comment, whatever.)
Then she gave me her e-mail. I remember she said to me, "But don't e-mail me until you leave the hospital."
I don't know why she said that, but I'm like sure, okay. Then before I knew it, it was already dinner time. Ale was going to leave right after dinner. Her mother and father were with us just counting the seconds I guess.
When Ale was leaving she looked so happy and I was so jealous. I'm not going to lie here. I wanted to leave so bad. My heart went out to Ale. All I want for her is to feel happy in her own skin. Then boom! She left the room and walked away. (ooh and by the way I did e-mail Ale when I left and she did e-mail me back. And yes we still e-mail each other to this day. And YES I love her deeply)! Francisca The next day came along and I got another room mater. She was ten and she had anorexia just like me. Her name was Francesca. I'm not so sure if I spelled it right.
She had blond curly hair as I recall I could be mistaken. She had bright blue eyes. Her eyes were sooo cute. She looked somewhat timid. I am too, when meeting new people.
When we were eating breakfast together in my mind I was comparing her amount of food to mine. She had such a small amount compare to my plate of food.
I wish I could continue onward, but I can't. Mainly because I have some homework that I need to do today. It should be against the law to do school on a Saturday. See ya later.
I <3 God!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Continuation of In Depth
Last time, I left you in a somewhat lame cliffhanger. Well, not anymore let's pick where we left off.
As you know my nutritionist, Christina, gave me the menu where I had to pick foods that I had to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all those snacks in the middle. I had to eat 3 starches for lunch, 1 meat and 1 dairy... I think. Christina was super, super nice and comforting. She didn't acted serious at all, but I could tell she wanted me to get better.
There was this one day where Christina was telling me that after I leave the hospital I would have to drink whole milk, (only temporarily) But, I freaked out. I started sobbing loudly. I hate whole milk with a passion. It tastes way too thick and a little greasy. Nevertheless, she looked right at me and said, "Raquel, will just give it a try?"
I said, "I'll.......give it a go." Of course, after I said that thinking to myself: I don't want to drink whole milk!!
(and beside whole milk is high in Saturated Fat, and a large portion of the calories in this food come from sugars.
http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/dairy-and-egg-products/69/2
As you know my nutritionist, Christina, gave me the menu where I had to pick foods that I had to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all those snacks in the middle. I had to eat 3 starches for lunch, 1 meat and 1 dairy... I think. Christina was super, super nice and comforting. She didn't acted serious at all, but I could tell she wanted me to get better.
There was this one day where Christina was telling me that after I leave the hospital I would have to drink whole milk, (only temporarily) But, I freaked out. I started sobbing loudly. I hate whole milk with a passion. It tastes way too thick and a little greasy. Nevertheless, she looked right at me and said, "Raquel, will just give it a try?"
I said, "I'll.......give it a go." Of course, after I said that thinking to myself: I don't want to drink whole milk!!
(and beside whole milk is high in Saturated Fat, and a large portion of the calories in this food come from sugars.
http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/dairy-and-egg-products/69/2
Then later on through out my stay the doctors had to increase my calorie intake. -_-
Once in a while a nurse would put me on a wheel chair and we'd go outside and just look around. It was nice being outside, instead of inside my freezing room. However, when we were outside I just felt so sad, because like I only wanted to go outside if I was leaving the hospital forever. I wanted so much just to run, jump, skip around, feel the grass, but I couldn't. One time after being outside another nurse says to me with a smile, "Wasn't it great to go outside? Did you have fun?"
"It's just the outside. Nothing I haven't seen." Her smile instantly fade away. Now that I look back to that moment I wish hadn't said that.
The doctors thought I was depressed based on that sentence. I just wanted to get the heck out of the stupid hospital. They wanted to give me pills. Like that would help.
My dad goes up to me and says, "Look, they think you're depress, which I know you're not. So, tomorrow, no matter what, smile." Tomorrow comes along and I have this smile on my face. My nurse walks in yawning and I say, "Good morning, lovely day isn't?"
I really tried to appear happy, but in reality I was bored out of my mind. A few hours go by and the doctors (all my doctors, but not Christina.) walked in with their hands behind their backs, "have you reached a decision?" they were talking to my parents. Then my dad was quick to say, "We have reached a decision and we won't do it." To this day I am thankful for my dad standing up for me like that.
As my stay in the hospital lingered on Ale and me would color together and do puzzles. I hate puzzles, but like there was anything better to do. My favorite part was when I found play-doh. I love play-doh. I made all these weird and colorful creations.
I got to be honest. People ask me all the time, "how did you get out?" and the truth is I'm not out. I'm still struggling. If anything the only thing I have done is that I have accepted this challenge from God because I know that I can help people through this trail.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
It has come to my recent knowledge that I don't have any pictures other than that cute little bunny.
I'm making this post officially dedicated to pictures! Let's get things rolling.
Note: All these pictures are pictures that I made thanks to the use of technology and websites like: http://www.maplesimulator.com/ Thank you. Also Google.
I'm making this post officially dedicated to pictures! Let's get things rolling.
Note: All these pictures are pictures that I made thanks to the use of technology and websites like: http://www.maplesimulator.com/ Thank you. Also Google.
Actually my sister made this one.
Monday, August 29, 2011
In depth (part 1)
I want to go in depth at my stay in the hospital. In the short two weeks that I spent (it felt longer than that to be honest) ,but the point is a lot things took place in that hospital most of them were emotional and I cried a lot.
No one cares about the first day and plus nothing really happened on that day other than checking in. However, on the first night my mom and my twin sister stayed with me and slept on a sofa by my side. I felt so relieved that I wasn't alone, but let's continue! I really think that people should know what the process felt like in my opinion. You follow? Good! :)
On the second day I got introduced to my doctors and my nurse for that day. They told me and my parents that I was going to have a nutritionist and a therapist (2 therapist. One for me and one for the family.) I remember thinking to myself: "Is all of this really necessary?" They also told me I had to drink 4 bottles of water everyday. They would number the bottles. I wasn't allowed to drink anything else other than water or milk, but they said I could only drink whole milk, which I hate whole milk, so yea I had no other option. I would get a new nurse every two days or so. I had a total of 3 doctors, well actually it was 4 including my nutritionist. (Love her! She was the one that inspired to become a nutritionist.) An overall total of 7 nurses...I think. No lie, every nurse I ever had kept on complaining of how exhausted they were and how they felt like that they were going to collapse of exhaustion. I remember my doctors would look so serious all the time. It was creepy! On the second day my room mate left me because she had gotten all better. Then on the same day I had gotten a new room mate. Her name was Ale. (She is important!)
This is out it happen. At least what I remember.
A doctor walks in and says: "You have a new room mate."
Me: "I do?"
My mom: "Hey, isn't that nice?" In my mind I responded by saying, "It is?"
Ale slowly and shyly walked in the room. She was tall and super thin. Within a few seconds I was told that she was going through the very same thing I was. The only difference was that this wasn't the first time that she'd been in the hospital for, you know, anorexia. I was thinking to myself: "Maybe I'm here because I am supposed to become friends with this girl." At breakfast time I tried my best to strike conversation.
But as I looked at my plate all I had was small a slice of french toast and water. In my mind I was like: "I thought the whole point of me being here I was to gain weight."
I looked up at Ale kinda sheepish like. I kept saying to myself: "Say something, say something!"
Never did, at least not at that moment.
As the day went on I watched T.V. and Ale slept. (That's how she and I "hanged out")
It was close to lunch time and then out of the blue my nutritionist came to my bed side with a really big smile I couldn't look away.
"Hello, Raquel." and I said, "Hello."
"How are you doing?" I didn't really answer that question mainly because I didn't like at all where I was. She handed my a menu where I had to pick certain foods from the menu what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Unfortunately, I have to stop here cause I need to do something else right now. I leave you in this somewhat lame cliff hanger. I'm you don't mind. Later.
No one cares about the first day and plus nothing really happened on that day other than checking in. However, on the first night my mom and my twin sister stayed with me and slept on a sofa by my side. I felt so relieved that I wasn't alone, but let's continue! I really think that people should know what the process felt like in my opinion. You follow? Good! :)
On the second day I got introduced to my doctors and my nurse for that day. They told me and my parents that I was going to have a nutritionist and a therapist (2 therapist. One for me and one for the family.) I remember thinking to myself: "Is all of this really necessary?" They also told me I had to drink 4 bottles of water everyday. They would number the bottles. I wasn't allowed to drink anything else other than water or milk, but they said I could only drink whole milk, which I hate whole milk, so yea I had no other option. I would get a new nurse every two days or so. I had a total of 3 doctors, well actually it was 4 including my nutritionist. (Love her! She was the one that inspired to become a nutritionist.) An overall total of 7 nurses...I think. No lie, every nurse I ever had kept on complaining of how exhausted they were and how they felt like that they were going to collapse of exhaustion. I remember my doctors would look so serious all the time. It was creepy! On the second day my room mate left me because she had gotten all better. Then on the same day I had gotten a new room mate. Her name was Ale. (She is important!)
This is out it happen. At least what I remember.
A doctor walks in and says: "You have a new room mate."
Me: "I do?"
My mom: "Hey, isn't that nice?" In my mind I responded by saying, "It is?"
Ale slowly and shyly walked in the room. She was tall and super thin. Within a few seconds I was told that she was going through the very same thing I was. The only difference was that this wasn't the first time that she'd been in the hospital for, you know, anorexia. I was thinking to myself: "Maybe I'm here because I am supposed to become friends with this girl." At breakfast time I tried my best to strike conversation.
But as I looked at my plate all I had was small a slice of french toast and water. In my mind I was like: "I thought the whole point of me being here I was to gain weight."
I looked up at Ale kinda sheepish like. I kept saying to myself: "Say something, say something!"
Never did, at least not at that moment.
As the day went on I watched T.V. and Ale slept. (That's how she and I "hanged out")
It was close to lunch time and then out of the blue my nutritionist came to my bed side with a really big smile I couldn't look away.
"Hello, Raquel." and I said, "Hello."
"How are you doing?" I didn't really answer that question mainly because I didn't like at all where I was. She handed my a menu where I had to pick certain foods from the menu what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Unfortunately, I have to stop here cause I need to do something else right now. I leave you in this somewhat lame cliff hanger. I'm you don't mind. Later.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Deaf.
I'm not so sure if you people remember this or not, but remember how I said in the very end of "am I cured?" blog that I would explain in more detail about teaching Deaf people about health and fitness, well in this blog that's what I am going to do.
So, all my sisters in my family (that would be two) have a passion for sign language and the Deaf culture. They both want to be interpreters as their majors. My first class in college (I'm doing duel enrollment) was A.S.L. I only took that class because I needed an elective and plus my twin sis was taking it and so was another friend of mine and I didn't wanted to feel left out. On the first day we went to class introduced ourselves and explained why we were taking this class. (My twin sister has an awesome reason why. But it's rather long. So maybe another time I can share it.) My actual words were: "uh...my older sister knows some sign language and sometimes she shows off, so I would like to learn." Lame reason I know.
As the class went on and we started to learn the alphabet, and the history of the Deaf culture I was having fun. And every time I went to class I was more interested. This new language I was learning was different. It was way more fun than learning Spanish that's for sure. I was intrigued by how with simple gestures I could tell stories and express myself in a way that I never knew before. I didn't consider practicing my A.S.L as school or as a chore. I thought it was fun and interesting. I passed the class with a big A :)
My older sister continued to teach me words and how to express myself. My twin sister said she wanted to do A.S.L 2 and so did I.
One day I went to Miami Dade to meet with my counselor about what classes to take in becoming a nutritionist. While doing so I told her about my previous class and how it was so much fun then she told me how she knew a woman who was Deaf and the woman needed to go and see a doctor for a very important appointment, but was denied because she was deaf. Which is so unfair. By law the doctor was supposed to get the woman and interpreter, but I guess he thought it would take too long so he instead denied her. My counselor went on saying that this sort of thing was normal.(sad but true.)
And while she was still talking something clicked in my brain it went like ding! I thought to myself why don't I teach the Deaf culture about health? I actually I said that out loud. All of sudden her eyes and my mom eyes lit up and they were like: "Yea, that's a really good idea, why don't you?"
Then I said, "I think it would be awesome. I would be doing two things that I love. I would be teaching fitness and using A.S.L!" I was smiling like crazy. For the rest of the day I was excited!
It's literally getting the best of both worlds. No lie.
It's really awful that just because a person is deaf that their health and wellness is thrown aside. My major is becoming a nutritionist and I will learn sing language so I can have patients who are both hearing and deaf. I don't know about you, but to me that's sounds awesome!
And if you don't know sign language I encourage you to at least try and learn it see if you like it. The Deaf world is pretty amazing.
So, all my sisters in my family (that would be two) have a passion for sign language and the Deaf culture. They both want to be interpreters as their majors. My first class in college (I'm doing duel enrollment) was A.S.L. I only took that class because I needed an elective and plus my twin sis was taking it and so was another friend of mine and I didn't wanted to feel left out. On the first day we went to class introduced ourselves and explained why we were taking this class. (My twin sister has an awesome reason why. But it's rather long. So maybe another time I can share it.) My actual words were: "uh...my older sister knows some sign language and sometimes she shows off, so I would like to learn." Lame reason I know.
As the class went on and we started to learn the alphabet, and the history of the Deaf culture I was having fun. And every time I went to class I was more interested. This new language I was learning was different. It was way more fun than learning Spanish that's for sure. I was intrigued by how with simple gestures I could tell stories and express myself in a way that I never knew before. I didn't consider practicing my A.S.L as school or as a chore. I thought it was fun and interesting. I passed the class with a big A :)
My older sister continued to teach me words and how to express myself. My twin sister said she wanted to do A.S.L 2 and so did I.
One day I went to Miami Dade to meet with my counselor about what classes to take in becoming a nutritionist. While doing so I told her about my previous class and how it was so much fun then she told me how she knew a woman who was Deaf and the woman needed to go and see a doctor for a very important appointment, but was denied because she was deaf. Which is so unfair. By law the doctor was supposed to get the woman and interpreter, but I guess he thought it would take too long so he instead denied her. My counselor went on saying that this sort of thing was normal.(sad but true.)
And while she was still talking something clicked in my brain it went like ding! I thought to myself why don't I teach the Deaf culture about health? I actually I said that out loud. All of sudden her eyes and my mom eyes lit up and they were like: "Yea, that's a really good idea, why don't you?"
Then I said, "I think it would be awesome. I would be doing two things that I love. I would be teaching fitness and using A.S.L!" I was smiling like crazy. For the rest of the day I was excited!
It's literally getting the best of both worlds. No lie.
It's really awful that just because a person is deaf that their health and wellness is thrown aside. My major is becoming a nutritionist and I will learn sing language so I can have patients who are both hearing and deaf. I don't know about you, but to me that's sounds awesome!
And if you don't know sign language I encourage you to at least try and learn it see if you like it. The Deaf world is pretty amazing.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
What is an eating disorder?
You might think that I know all about anorexia because I've been struggling with it for a whole year. But to be perfectly honest I didn't even knew the word anorexic on the first day at the hospital. I didn't know such a thing like that even existed. If you came up to me on my first day at the hospital and said to me, "You're suffering from anorexia." I would've said, "Okay,...what's that?" and then you would've said, "Don't you know?" then I would say, "Know what?" with blank stare too.
The point is back then I was plain out clueless of the situation I was in even though it was me who put myself in it! Even on the third day I still had no idea. My entire stay at the hospital (two weeks) the word anorexia never came up. Maybe it did when the doctors were talking to my parents behind my back. I'm not so sure.
I don't know when exactly it hit me that I had anorexia. I think I was in Miami Children's hospital for a check up so they could check my weight this was somewhere in 2010 after February or something. Anyway I saw this little pamphlet with a title called Eating Disorders. I was bored and bored so I decided to read it. The pamphlet said there were two kinds of eating disorders (which is true) there's Bulimia Nervosa which means that a person will over eat at one point then feel terribly guilty then does whatever it takes to get rid of all the calories they just consumed. They might try starving themselves, vomiting, take laxatives or do excessive exercise. Let me just say it plain out: Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by frequent episodes of binge eating, followed by frantic efforts to avoid gaining weight.
(I got this information with this website.) http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm
Anorexia is when a person intentionally tries to lose weight by restricting certain foods from their diet. Excessive exercise and sometimes it is compulsive. They might also take diet pills. Then when they lose weight they fear of gaining weight and become obsessed with losing more weight or trying to stay thin.
What do doctors think anorexia is?
They say it's a disease. (ooh how scary.)
First of all what's a disease? A disease to put it in the simplest of terms it's something that hinders your body. Like the common flu. And you cure a disease by either getting rest or by taking a prescription etc.
However taking a prescription won't cure an eating disorder.
The way I see it anorexia (or any eating disorder) is a state of mind. I don't see my anorexia as a disease not at all. It's all part of God's plan to bring him glory.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
am I cured?
Now you know my story (a portion of it.) There is still a lot to cover.
My journey with anorexia really started in January, 2010 it's been over a year now and I haven't gone back to the hospital because I haven't fainted again. I haven't gone to a treatment facility. I haven't had any medication for my anorexia. I have had a few therapy sessions. I only been hospitalize once. I never threw up my meals before. So, I must be cured right? Wrong.
Not a day goes by where I don't feel a little insecure about myself. I don't want to sound all negative now, but I also don't want to lie. The truth is I am still struggling to maintain a healthy balance between exercise and fueling my body. I am still struggling to try new foods. Recently and very often now God has been drilling into my brain that my journey with anorexia is far from over. How long will I have to watch what I eat and maintain a healthy weight? Answer: The rest of my life. (This goes for everyone on planet Earth really.)
But I guess the real the question for me is: When will I stop struggling with anorexia? Answer: I won't be struggling in the future I will be overcoming! :) Yes it has been super hard so far (sometimes it feels like hell) But I know that as long as I am with God I'm going to make it. I never would have made it this far if it wasn't for God. I don't know where would I be without him. Yes there are times in my life where I ask God why did it have to be me? Answer: He is going to use my trails as teaching tools for others that are going through the same thing.
Anorexia isn't something that can be cured. Not to sound negative, but that's the truth. However, I am taking anorexia and I am going use it as a stepping stone for my life. Anyone can take a negative and change to a positive.
It was thanks to anorexia that I finally have reason to get up in the morning. I have a passion in life and I plan to pursue it. Anorexia helped me discover what I wanna do with my life. I want to be a nutritionist. I also plan to teach the Deaf Culture about health and fitness.
I'll tell you more about that in my next blog, but for now so long!
My journey with anorexia really started in January, 2010 it's been over a year now and I haven't gone back to the hospital because I haven't fainted again. I haven't gone to a treatment facility. I haven't had any medication for my anorexia. I have had a few therapy sessions. I only been hospitalize once. I never threw up my meals before. So, I must be cured right? Wrong.
Not a day goes by where I don't feel a little insecure about myself. I don't want to sound all negative now, but I also don't want to lie. The truth is I am still struggling to maintain a healthy balance between exercise and fueling my body. I am still struggling to try new foods. Recently and very often now God has been drilling into my brain that my journey with anorexia is far from over. How long will I have to watch what I eat and maintain a healthy weight? Answer: The rest of my life. (This goes for everyone on planet Earth really.)
But I guess the real the question for me is: When will I stop struggling with anorexia? Answer: I won't be struggling in the future I will be overcoming! :) Yes it has been super hard so far (sometimes it feels like hell) But I know that as long as I am with God I'm going to make it. I never would have made it this far if it wasn't for God. I don't know where would I be without him. Yes there are times in my life where I ask God why did it have to be me? Answer: He is going to use my trails as teaching tools for others that are going through the same thing.
Anorexia isn't something that can be cured. Not to sound negative, but that's the truth. However, I am taking anorexia and I am going use it as a stepping stone for my life. Anyone can take a negative and change to a positive.
It was thanks to anorexia that I finally have reason to get up in the morning. I have a passion in life and I plan to pursue it. Anorexia helped me discover what I wanna do with my life. I want to be a nutritionist. I also plan to teach the Deaf Culture about health and fitness.
I'll tell you more about that in my next blog, but for now so long!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
What's with the title?
So why did I pick such a negative title? Here's the thing it's not negative. It was the reality of my anorexia. Just hear me out.
In January of 2010 I fainted in the bathroom because of mal-nutrition. My head hit the floor in such a loud thump that my mother (all the way from the kitchen) rushed inside to see what was wrong. The first few seconds of me waking up from my fall I thought I was dreaming. Needless to say on that night I was taken to the E.R. I got in weighing 98 lbs (my mother says I was 94lbs) so I say let's put it in the middle and make it 96lbs. My mom was freaking out. My sister was crying. And in the back mind I was thinking, "Crap! What just happen?"
At first my parents thought that I could go home the same night and so was I, but a few hours went by and in the process of talking to three doctors and maybe five nurses I was admitted in the hospital with a room and everything. Even got myself a room mate.
On that night my heart beat was 32 or 30. The doctors told my parents that if they hadn't taken me to the hospital I probably would have died the next day or so.
So, in a manner of speaking I had one foot inside the grave. I was in a life and death situation and didn't even know it.
My obsession with weight loss and fitness didn't start over night. It started very small and slowly. The first 6 months of 2009 I weighed 120lbs. Started to work out secretly no one ever knew. Nothing bad happened. Then my parents started to noticed how I was increasingly enjoying exercising and they actually supported me. Because exercising is a good habit to have. However, somewhere after summer or so I started to decrease my food in take. I would chew gum to curb my hunger. Have cereal for breakfast and try my best to skip lunch. Thanksgiving came along and my parents began to confront me about my weight loss telling me I had to stop or something bad might happen to my body. All the time I looked pale and tired with dark circles I stopped smiling (these are the things that people notice.) I would just lose my temper at them and fume with anger I weighed 104 lbs-107. I pretty much maintained that weight all through November and December.
I went out of town that Christmas to a Christian conference. I kept on thinking that I had gain weight while on my vacation, but when I came back I weighed the same. I went back to regular routine of starving myself and increased my exercise. Then boom I fainted.
I was abusing my body. In the middle of all of that I was digging my own grave. I thank God that my parents took me to the hospital the same night.
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